Books how did i get here tony hawk jim breeuer i'm not high baba booey they call me that haha

(2/2) romance but oh how sweet!

(1/2) Note Your touch remembered. Your smile I can't forget. This memory just pictures of when we were no longer a couple but merely friends? How brief our

(2/2) we'll never have. How short and few we did like our love ?

(1/2) note You said you loved me but you're no longer here. You said you loved me but it seems you didn't care. All the memories we talked could of had. All

I seen your face i heard your cries i seen the tears fall from your eyes

If i wake up and your not here by my side if i wake up and your not hear by me

She closes her eyes as she says good bye to world as she cries as she cries as sheeeee cries

And the bitter pain and sorrow and the tears that fall from your eyes

Drowning in the ocean swallowed by the sea this is the end THIS IS THE END!

Creative hamburger ideas

(2/2) smell of trucks Pollution or foul smell of unkempt drivers. To be lost in the city not lost out here.

(1/2) As the day turns to night over the vast stretch of water. Laying there on a rock reading as the waves crash below. The comforting sound. Not the deathly

The pleasure to sit and watch tv or leave the house to visit a familiar hangout. To wade barefoot in the cool waters of the lake. To stare in awe as the day

The way things were. Home by 8am. Not a new state. Another town and in the same truck. Smiling happy to be home. The smell of fresh cooked meals I make.

Ritual again. My bed is not the one you find at home in a room separate from your other comforts. My bed is my only comfort. Everyday I look forward to

As much as I despised you. I wish I admired you. I sit here alone. After staring out of glass. Only when the day ends I crawl into bed. Only to start the same

Some come and some go but if i had my choice you'll stay forever more

(2/2) a final end.

(1/2) I didn't want to turn away this night. I didn't want to say good bye. But as I looked into your pretty eyes I knew I had a hard choice. A new beginning to

But then I think. She could just be a good friend. Why can't we have common interest and just because we're male and female why must we make it more?

(1/2) I have enjoyed being single. I believe i'm learning the difference between a girlfriend and a girl you just have an interest in. The problem is knowing

(2/2) that the girlfriend can be many as well as the girl who's just "interesting"

(2/2) felt but unseen. Deep within within me.She's the loneliness I feel inside...... Idk song

(1/2) She's the loneliness I feel inside. Like dark clouds on a sunny day. She's smile that fades away. She's the pain that won't go away. And all the scars

(2/2) unknowing. Waiting to be shared,explored, and enjoyed...

(1/2) A butterfly flutters. It's beauty created by you. An abstract of hope. Unseen but felt. It flaps it's wings created by what you write. An inspirtation of

Cambridge psychology

The rain comes down on this lonely lonesome day. The stars begin to appear but the silence brings tears.....

I've seen some beautiful places and faces. I sign which I've seen before that said go to church or go to hell. Ah yes the amusement of christianity.

My job has been decent. A little chaotic after not doing this for some time."two years" But i'm getting back into the swing of it.

I'm at a StarBucks in Birmingham,Al I needed to get some supplies and groceries at WalMart or Walmart or Wal-Mart. Not sure anymore. Heading to MO in ten hours.

I wish she knew me as me not the person she misunderstands i wish she knew just how i felt about her instead of assuming what she doesn't i wish...

My website:darkdimensions.net perfect for phones. If you're on the crapper,on a long vacation,or just Curious. Visit it my site on your mobile!

Waitress on the floor cleaning a counter...i think we call that in restaurant terms "slow night" therefore do something... I don't miss that bs.

Blog from: Ma Fischer's. Wtf this is probably the 2nd restaurant to take tip mandatory. I don't have a choice ? 3 dollars automatically ? Waiter might suck!

Now you can view all my blogs from Myspace through the years..

Hope you have fun with all that! :D Poetry and blogs...Lots and lots and lots of writing :)

ALL BLOG POSTS 2008

Friday, January 18, 2008
All my blog readers. If you actually exist that is.
Current mood:  impressed
Category: Blogging
I'm sorry for my lack of posts are of interesting posts. Sorry that I have not put my thoughts to writing as of late. Actually I always seem to stumble on topics I just never write about them as of late. Though as time passes I'm starting to wonder if it matters. Though I know that I alone can't change the perception or the views of many. At least I have a means to express my feelings on various subjects. As of now though being a  driver cross the country with limited access. Though not my exuses. As pointed out I've just not written any subjects of late. Which usually I'll write offline and then post online. I have many thoughts that I've gone over and some I've forgotten. But again I really don't know. The population at large as much as they confuse me with their beliefs. Religious or just simple stupid beliefs. Examples being Native of this country who though live in "the land of the free" or reserved to reservations...WTF! Lets not forget those trying to make a decent wage for themself and wish to move to this country. Who can forget the discrimination against a certain religion just because some morons chose to come and wreck to very important buildings and killed many Americans some of which were apart of that religious belief. Then you could also argue they never had apart in that and it was all smoke and mirrors by our own people...Which why not ? When was the American white man ever worth a dam. We could discuss the fact that many have this stupid belief that we should all speak English...Oh really ? Well isn't this America. Learn to communicate with your fellow Americans even through the frustration and pain it maybe to do so because of different languages. This is America and if you want it to be as you claim it to be take a stand and stop being morons. Open your mind and stop being hateful towards others who are trying to be good people. I could go on other rants like global warming and those who still persist it isn't true. As well as other subject. You get the point but for now here another apology letter. I am a busy man in some weird odd way or you could also say a man with  a lack of motivation.
6:59 AM

Friday, January 18, 2008
Roger Chang leaves DL.TV some thoughts on tv shows
Current mood:  sad
Category: Blogging
DL.TV is it the demise of ? I heard and now I know Roger is or has left. Though it is very sad to watch the show dwindle. Sure they still provide content but Roger now leaves Patrick left and you know Patrick really made the show with Robert. But this isn't about Roger. It's about when shows just fade. As of now DL.TV is still available and there are many episodes I've not seen. That I hope I will be able to. I remember watching The New Tom Green show which if you ask me was better then David Letterman,Conan and Jay. I know most of you still have the belief that Tom was just some silly guy doing silly things. But The New Tom Green Show was exactly what you would get out of TomGreen.com show. Though it was on Mtv. However now of course there is no more of some of the original members of the show. But what I remember mostly about that show was watching it one day and then the next it was gone. No more episodes no reason given..Just gone. A very sad day and I am glad Tom is back. Though I've missed some of the episodes of the newest show. I'd still like to see them. And of course I miss the days with Glen. But time moves on. DL.TV I really enjoyed watching it with Patrick and Robert. Roger was interesting to at times but I never got to see enough of the episodes with him. Well whatever he does or where ever he goes I wish him the best. I heard he will become apart of Revision. Which is cool. But sadly he will be missed at DL.TV. And I hope DL.TV continues on through the years if that is possible with Roger and Patrick gone who else is to leave ? If Robert goes would I still watch it ? I guess so depending on who would present it and how. I enjoyed and was glad to be informed with all the information,presentations and insights that they provided through the years. Thank you Roger and I keep mentioning Patrick since he left to. It was a great run.
9:17 AM

Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Scientology is becoming a big issue
Current mood:  annoyed
Category: Blogging
Someone is providing data about Scientology that they otherwise wouldn't want you to know. The means in which they are obtaining this information is interesting but even more so it's one newer religion people are trying to get rid of. Though why is it more a problem to attack this group of religious believers then it is to attack the rest of the religous groups I'm uncertain. It seems there means are not to harm anyone which is good but provide as much information on their foolishness. I don't think by any means that we should fight with anger. Though if we can get a few smart people like Richard Dawkins and others to take a stand on religion and it's adverse affects on the population. That is where we need to stand..Not like those guys in bands in other countries that were burning down churches those are beautiful structures no matter the nonsense spewed from the inside..And worst burning down chrurches is only going to give them more belief while they make you out to be what they consider satanic. I know this isn't about that but it's just one more example of the wrong way to do the right thing. And I just wanted to address it..And yes I know what type of music and where in the world those churches were burn down but at the moment can't properly give you names. So think about it and don't judge me for believing religion has adverse affects on our society open your mind and see for yourself.


http://www.forum.exscn.net/showpost.php?p=57816&postcount=1



http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,972865,00.html
6:31 AM


Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Kid builds machine to make his own snow..He rules
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
http://gizmodo.com/349584/real+world-calvin-builds-snow-machine-creates-backyard-mountain-overnight

That kid is the coolest kid known to man. I mean come on I'd love to have been him being interviewed with my snow making contraption. Thats a most neato thing and he is such a kid..Wonder if he will grow to be a great person or an evil meanace mahaha
7:06 AM




Wednesday, January 30, 2008
This has to be the best link you will ever go to from this blog
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
Digg.com of course it's user base finds the most amazing links and this one I believe has to be one of the top rated links of all time.


http://lifehackery.com/2008/01/23/99-extraordinary-uses-for-ordinary-objects/

I mean seriously butter to shave with it. THATS A GREAT IDEA..I admit weird but think about it. Butter or margarine is cheap..Shaving cream isn't and imagine it probably would work wonders. Oh and lets not forget that interesting idea with the tea bags and some other cool things. I like this.
7:39 AM


 Wednesday, February 20, 2008

A world bound by color revised 2008
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Writing and Poetry
I think I'm currently in a position of not knowing what to write. Well on one hand I'm wondering what my writings of 08 should be and I'm thinking smarter maybe not so horrendous and or maybe I am just thinking to much. I got a few thoughts that I've just not put down in a readable format.


Original

A world bound by color
Twisting through the clouds
Wrapped across the ground
Sometimes draping silence
Awakening fear
Lovers bound on colors bright
Kids hide when colors bleak
Color there for everyone
Evil or good
Loving or hating
A world bound by color
-Nolon L. Dore, 2003

2008  remake

A world bound by color
twists through the clouds above
Lost in a swirl of virbant green
on the lawn below my feet
Lovers lost in an emotion of color
The bleak colors of darkness
has children running in fright
Color surrounds everyone
An assorting amazement of diversity
Like the cultures and people here
on our planet Mother Earth
It is a reason to hate
As well as a reason to love
A world bound by color
2-20-08

I don't know. I believe the original really needs to be looked over and rewritten though again I don't feel I'm capable of it at the time. It's just not the time I guess. Though I put this together omitted some things and tried to make more sense of what was the original even though it did make sense and does to an extent. I believe this sounds more understanding. Enjoy.



Besides that remake above this is the only thing I've written in 08 which is another remake that sort of spun itself into it's own little writing.


We sit ...
separated desolated
There is a darkness
that shrouds the
world of the dead
It is a dream I am
apart of...

My world a destruction in progress
I've fallen asleep against my will
She sits alone trapped
Frantic helpless worried
I cry out who is she
But no one answers
And the reality is disguised
In a world of dreams
When I awake this pain
doesn't fade
1:01 PM



Tuesday, February 26, 2008
A bleak existance lost in a void of disturbance
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Art and Photography
Where once was a man with pride
Now just a faded memory lost
Echo's of confidence
become silent uncertainties
What once was greatness
Just a dream blacked out
Where did It go wrong
or was it always wrong
A slamming door shuts
In the distance
A smiling face
A noticable fake
You can't shake desires
And you can't know
what you never had
You can have hopes
only to realize you
had it all wrong


Inspired by my friends in Deja Morti go to Google type in Myspace and then there name. I will have them up on Top Friends if and when it will work correctly again.
4:18 PM


 Friday, February 29, 2008

I am now single. Joy ? Who knows. Meg and I the story or view points by both of us
Current mood:  blank
Category: Blogging
I don't know how to properly write this. I've been up since 1am keeping busy all day. But as any previous night I think of my past. I think of Meg and our old home. I think It has been a few days but It feels like a year. Mar 07 I started driving. We have been together maybe a total of two months over a year. I mean as in seeing each other. It is awkward knowing when I go home. There will be no talk prior to getting home of what we will be doing. There is no more I love you good night or morning. The foundation has crumbled and I know I can mend this. I can change it for the better. Though I feel I've put to many unsettling thoughts in Megs head. It all started when we first started dating. I was uncertain about my life my future. I knew that I do and I did love her so much. But being the outside the box guy I am I can't think forever and I know pepole change. So Instead of keeping my mouth shut I speak my thoughts. I know I could be in this relationship longer. But in the beginning when I asked her that we break up. I felt that way and I knew I loved what we shared but I'm also a loner. So I wanted to be either or but these thoughts I didn't want them. At the same time I felt a need to discuss them and I didn't want to leave her as I did my x. It does not please me to hurt someone. It worries and troubles me about who will date them and that they don't mistreat my x's because I would never. Though my previous relationship I was young these thoughts would not occur. All on my mind was someone to be long term with and so Meg and I were 6 years. But I not only broke up with her then at least once more I did and pretty much the same reason. I knew she wanted to be long term and I did not know where I stood but I didn't break up with her technically I just wanted to talk about my feelings. Meg pretty much volunteered me to break up with her. So I think that was 06. That was our longest a week. But I asked her back because I love her and I really wanted to be with her. As well I didn't want to see her in pain. I then thought about it and learned not to bring it up. That my feelings for our relationship was stronger then any silly notions I Had. Well I gave it my all from that point. Tried my best to keep happy and strong to look to our future. I got the best job In 07 with the problem of not being home but I did what I could to keep her happy and our relationship going strong but the past came back to haunt me a few days ago or shall I say past few months with subtle hints but the final naik a few days ago. Meg broke it off because of these past experiences and my lack of wanting to fit in with the perception that marriage means to be commit while being together holds no value. But she was right and I don't blame her I know I could and could have changed her mind but I think I am meant for misery. I was and am still fucked up because she says we have nothing in common but maybe It was one of those in the moment sayings. Everything since the break up has been weird an uncomfortable. It does not feel at a majority of the time that we are broken up. Being on the road really messes with you. As though I feel when I get home she will be waiting with a kiss smile and hug with words of joy happiness. But the reality is not real. I plan to pack do taxes hit the road for two more months by then meg should be close to moving out and then i will. once i get back on the road the second time i dont plan to stop til dec. Then take a plane from chicago to alaska for vacation I should be down to one credit card payment by mar 09 i wil look for a differ job I assume wi but it is not 09. disclaimer to meg i may have goten some days and time wrong this pOst has not been gone over since i typed from cell. forgive me if not complete or not completley accurate. thanks for being the first true love and long term relation our time was well spent.


I don't wish to erase what I've already written even though it is a tad bit inaccurate. Here is where we go with the release of Megs blog which here is a link to that



http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=11230917&blogID=363712509

Thanks. I enjoy that were both able to demonstrate the science of love if I might call it that. That we are both mature intelligent capable people. Though true you do lash out with f this and that. But you get your point across. I am oddly happy we have separated. Even though it pains me day and night. It is great that we express our views in an open view to our friends and strangers. We started out meeting online then dating. Now we go backward. An end the relationship become friends. At the time though we were pioneers in a desolate strange world we know as the internet. That now has become a very mainstream world with social networks. As this here. Myspace. Possibly to much info is spread around. But though it makes the world a faster and more interesting place. I know you didn't like what I wrote in my previous writing. I didn't intend to harm,hurt or cause you pain. Nor your new found lover. It was an expression of my feeling at the time. Though it is fact that I love you can easily become a brisk wind on a cold day. I understand you didn't cheat on me. As well I can see how this writing would be assumed as such. Though one word could describe it quickly BLIND! That in caps is not meant to be of anger. Just to stand out. I've been out here trying to get on with our lives. Everyday looking forward to live and go home. So that we could be together. When I wasn't around. When I was on the truck your life was busy with parties and school. I felt at times you thought I enjoyed tormenting you by not coming home. When all I wanted was to earn a living. Knowing I never got my education. Everyday I woke awaiting the day I would go home for good. That we could share time and hang out. But further and further down these roads you managed to loose touch. Now I awake and wonder if I'll ever have a place to consider home again. Again nothing I'll say in this today will be to hurt or anger you in anyway. Simply my views opinions on the way I see it. Besides the love we shared. Our passion for one another. Our wonderful sexual relationship. Our time spent camping,walking or whatever hobby that we shared and at one time had a common interest in. My career has always harmed this relationship. Well my attempt at either getting a career or working the lame ass jobs I worked. I never expected living in Milwaukee/Wi that my job life would still be what it was and what was some of the cause of my last relationship to dwindle. I guess that needs to be worked on. Any job I took just couldn't satisfy you or me financial. But had a sickening impact on you. On me it hurt mostly to know I wasn't doing my part to make our life better. No matter your persuasion to persuade me to believe otherwise. My job life just never satisfied you. In the beginning before driving no one would call to offer a position. I would apply and apply. But yet nothing. Then I'd come home or wouldn't apply because I'd find it pointless. You would then find the means to be angry in some form or manner. Which I guess I understand but it wasn't much help. Finally I decide maybe I'll make you happy. Why I'll train to drive truck we will have money. I'll get experience work locally..I then instead end up not getting the job. Now we are in worst debt. I am messed up in the head because I knew I could do the job and I was crushed being cast out. I work more local jobs. You have more complaints. Bills are piling up. Time is ticking and nothing financially is becoming better. Then I get the job with Prime driving cross country. Finally we are getting money. Although we are so steep in debt from all the minimum wage jobs worked and my lack of being financially responsible Another weakness that needs to be worked on. But though as I once used to say I will do what I can to make you happy and so I did. If not to make you happy to feel happy myself that I was doing things that was great..But of course I was also causing a rift in our relationship from allowing debt to pile up. That I am really sorry about.


Even now we are probably where we were when I started Prime financially. Every time we spoke every time we spent together our love seemed to be as wonderful as the first day. It just didn't seem to get worst. If anything better. Now I've decided we shall go to Lake Geneva it would be wonderful for the both of us. Now I regret that I never took you to where you wanted to go. Governer Dodge ? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for a lot of everything that never got done. Another of my weakness. I guess I'm just really not the relationship type now am I. Mean while after Geneva I am missing you. Time is passing Now there are new complaints. In a way I guess I understand. But I am trying to do my best to do my job. I know you wanted me home more. You wanted me to get off the truck. But the bills have to be paid. Just as much I wanted to be home more. I wanted to awake not alone but with you. If not with you then at least to stare at you and see you lying next to me. Now of course I stare at what I've been staring at though knowing there is nothing to be expected to see laying beautifully in a bed once I get to what I used to call home. Which now certainly isn't mine. Then comes Owen. I hear you talk about him. I hear you say this and that about him. I won't mention those words. I don't wish for him to think me lying. Nor do I wish to be rude. And yes I am being honest. But I will say what you would say to me otherwise. Oh but I have no interest in him. He is a friend..Blah blah. Though you been without me so long that even over the phone I can hear in your voice that isn't all you want him to be..Even if you couldn't see it. You would speak of him as though you you were speaking highly of me. As you once did. Next thing I know and yes this isn't recently or since you started "feeling weird" or whatever it was those days where I couldn't get you to pick up until I manage to realize you were answering your phone. So but next thing I know calls started to become less. There was a sense of lack of interest. Need I mention you've reached the age where it is fun to party. Though I won't bother with that. And thats your hobby. So it will be what is. I am not into and nor shall I ever be. It even seemed that your interest in buying things for special occasions became not much of a chore in thinking about it. I mean regardless it didn't matter. But the personal touches seemed to have faded into when we were in love. Feb or end of Jan I headed home. You are now at the point of Owen mania. And thats fine. Cool. I'm glad you have a new friend I get it. I don't care if he is a guy. That is alright. I do realize there can be a problem where situations like that can harm a relationship. But I am not one to point fingers and blame others. If two people must want each other so badly that it can take away from another. That is how it must be. Obviously. I know we have grown apart. Obviously we have grown apart and I've been gone. I get it. Don't tell me I know. You wasn't "seeking him" It is wonderful you two have found each other. Though I must admit to you Owen hurt her by means physically or abuse her emotionally in an intentional manner. I will find cause if she mentions it or I detect it to hurt you in ways you won't wish to imagine. She is a wonderful person. Treat as such. I knew something was bound to possibly happen between them two. Especially when I got home. But again. I won't interfere. That is for them to decide not me. Obviously they have decided. Did he or did he not play the emotional friend. I don't know. Is there harm in it ? Hell as long as he was being truthful even if that meant to get under her dress. Thats his option. Again no one is accusing anyone of cheating, Is is simply my job playing a major role in messing up something wonderful. It is emotions and lack of sexual activity between three people. Me him her. Not that I would have sex with both of them..But you understand the point. It is my points in my life which I will get to where we broke up because of me. Everything falls on me. Everything falls on lust and emotions that can't be contained. Even though with a loving smile she would assure me just friends and not even a remote hint that there was some "interest/connection nothing about him being handsome,etc I was without her as she was without me. Only thing is I had no intention of messing up what we had. Only had plans for what we would have.


Now we will go down a dark alley once in my lifetime when I was younger. That subject is of M a friend of mine. Meg understands. She was a girl I was a guy. We both understood there was an attraction and If I was single I would've been happy to be more then friends with her. But we were friends and strictly thats all we were. Though I need explain that I never felt the way I did so quickly as I did for her. She nor Meg have I ever said that. Again strictly friends. But I knew then from that moment I will always know. That interest had an impact. Something not of sexual desire not of relationship needs. But of curiosity and logic. The fact that a fire can be so quickly set in motion no matter your love for the one you are with. Again that doesn't mean you should act on it. Only that you know it exists. Why does it exist. I assumed for the simple reason that we are wired that way. You know you can love a women. You can tell her day and night you love her. But as well you still will find other women attractive..That can't be helped for a guy or a girl. It still doesn't mean you should act on your feelings for someone. That impact showed how without logic or common sense you could easily fall into a trap of loosing someone you really wish to be with. What made the situation worst was my honesty. Why you might say why ? Well Meg and I again were friends and she unlike anyone I ever met. We really connected with conversations. Always was I able to go to her with my problem. She was sort of the emotional friend from my previous relationship. Though so much more. I always told her everything on my mind. Everything that came to mind. Problems I worried about. Now of course this was when we were friends. So of course the beginning of damage to our relationship. Because I said you know I am attracted to this girl and I of course would date her if Meg and I were not together..Dam you sure learn never to say those words to someone you are dating. I never did of course know better then. I mean Meg was really the first girl I ever had an actual in person relationship with. But I felt it was perfectly alright to mention it. As anything prior to dating her. Conversation is a must to me. And that does mean explaining my feelings and speaking my thoughts. Meg however was not in anyway happy about it. Assuming I believe I would act on it. So thats a line you do not cross with a girl you are dating. I will always miss Meg when she was that person. Now of course there were other issues in that situation. One being flirting. I guess you might say I'm rather stupid by now for being who I am. But I of course was open to leaving my txts open and allowing my instant messages to be logged. As well as accepting to allow Meg the option to read whatever she felt. I then didn't think flirting to be harm. Yes I was pretty much doing it with everyone. I think the most Meg remembers of that one conversation which I will mention because it seems to be her usual throw in my face line. Me telling the other girl I'd make a copy of myself. But honestly though I not she was flirting to say the least. That message wasn't meant to be that way. We were friends. But I now understand and realize you shouldn't say that to a girl. You shouldn't flirt with anyone while in a relationship. Meg I am sorry it happened.


Now onto what really put our relationship into a spin. I am unfortunately not able to paste the letter I once wrote Meg because it seems I have since erased it are it is stored some where else.
Essentially what had transpired when I and only when I broke up with Meg without Megs help might I say..We will get to that. Not that it was her fault..But we will get there. Though that letter may be of some use to explain this story. Because I know Meg will possibly say otherwise and thats alright. She has her points I have mind. On with the story.


Well our relationship in the beginning I was feeling...How do I put this. Confused ? Uncertain ? I know one thing. Meg was looking forward to me getting my GED or that the relationship coukdn't continue like the marriage threat. I was now at the point where telling all and everything was best not to be said. At least in a way. What mostly kept me from speaking about this then was being afraid of what would happen to me. Need I mention it's 2004 we are just starting to live together. I am afraid. I don't live here in Wisconsin. I don't have a place to go and I would like to keep my stuff. So I can't picture how horrible nor can I remember how it transpired but I believe I packed prior to telling Meg that I wanted out of the relationship. I wrote her a letter noting my feelings and why It should be as such. She of course thought mostly because of the GED. Though let me try to explain something when I first thought to be apart of Megs life beyond that of friendship. She was about to be in bed with a guy for the first time..I know huh interesting. But even more she either cared about me so much or something. But picked up the phone while this was happening..I knew then in my stomach I didn't want to loose her as a friend and I knew that I really wanted to be apart of her life even more so. Might I mention I kept telling this and talking it over with my friend Chaise. And he would say go for it. But at the moment I was really afraid I would loose my chance though 8 years later ? I've dated her and had the longest relationship with her. I will never regret it. I remember when she broke up with him and when I called her and asked her out. I never think I ever heard anyone so excited. Thanks. So back to where we were. Like that time that feeling. I didn't have exactly that feeling. But this understanding that I didn't know what I wanted in my life. I knew and I know now I do and did love her so much. I couldn't not. My breaking up with her was of no logical common usual reason of breaking up. I just mostly felt that what I was doing was not allowing myself to break her heart in the long term. That I would instead of having this weird feeling while on the other hand know that I wanted to be apart of her life. Be apart of this career/love/relationship serious thing. I also wanted to be alone. In a weird way. Maybe I need help. Who knows. So of course we ended up staying together. I don't remember why. One thing see I got it covered Meg would mention is that I used her prior to breaking up with her. That would be incorrect I could of cared less if we did or didn't have sex that night. Hell who is using who now. I went home last time we had sex and now we are broke up.......No but I mean I'm not that way and I don't think rude thoughts. I yes would like to hear what you say. Though I mean when we had sex it was in my mind as it was any other night. I loved her. When I broke up with her. I loved her. It was not in my intention not to love her. I wasn't acting strange or changing my feelings for her. Obviously we got back together and since that has been the real harm of this all. Not being able to explain why I felt that way. Which really makes me feel I should never put myself in this position again. I know I don't commit to work. I commit to music oddly enough. I was accepting and getting on with what was after our 3rd time and our one week of not being together time. Since that time I've lived with enjoying and forcing out any other thoughts. Just letting things take there place. Well they did. I guess for the wrong and maybe the right reasons. Who knows. I enjoy where I am now or I guess I will in a year or two. At the moment it's a very hard thing to deal with. It's one thing to be broken up at home. It's a whole other world when you can't just say well if thats the case I'm leaving. No not in this world. No instead I have to or had to feel like everyday we were still together and sooner or later I would becoming home but then quickly I would realize where and what is home. Who is at home. Is there a home. I don't have a home. I guess this prison box I exist within to pay off debt I put myself in is my only home until I finally do something I've always thought I would do. Now I may actually be given the chance and best is knowing there is no need for explaining why I must and other questions.

But so yes first break up. Now the next one. I was more confident in some of the things I would tell Meg. So we are at a park and I'm in my weird stage of explaining how I have this feeling that I don't and do want to be in the relationship but I can't say I will always want to be. That I don't understand my feelings and I don't have these feelings because of some other relationship or other interests. Well I didn't say we should break up. But some how that did happen. I believe this was after we got engaged. About that since I assume some of you do wish to know. I love Meg if I've not said it before. I'll say it now. I do and again even though I feel or had felt that way of being uncertain. I thought that was the right thing to do. I knew it would please Meg. I had not expected it to become an issue. Then of course I got those thoughts in my head and I got to explaining them like an idiot. So you know that caused harm. It was very wonderful to be engaged even once Meg took to calling it complicated. There was another time we broke up which made the week of being broke up. In the car..I can't recall how we even got into the situation of us breaking up. But I know Meg either entertained we do so or volunteered to say that we should. Since I wouldn't say it. That as well caused harm. So breaking up a few times left a rather shallow emptiness in Meg. As well my unable to answer why I felt as I did. My flirting and being honest about my feelings for another person. Not that I'd act on them. My lack of wanting to marriage. My honesty in knowing that relationships might not last and I can't promise this will be forever.


Marriage one of those topics I really hate getting on. It's like religion everyone seems to follow the herd but no one understands why. Nor do they wish to. It's just what we do. It means "trust" "forever" It makes her happy...WTF HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME THEN! How many rings,necklaces,etc...I've bought. Isn't that wonderful ? I mean maybe I don't understand. No I do wish you keep it. I was and will always be happy to have presented you with everything you wear. Even if now you may throw it or whatever it never had value to me more so then to see you smile. Just to know it made you happy. It made you lovely. I know this. Why am I ranting about this. Exactly the price was if not more then one ring! Marriage. Everyone is doing it. No is sticking to it. Even if they were. Yip hooray. I'm sorry to be the one to say I trusted you. I loved you and forever how long our relationship was to last I was happy to be devoted and committed to you. I didn't need a piece of paper and a ring around your finger to say that. I thought my words will you be mine was enough. Will you be interested in being long term. Marriage. Why why is marriage such a big important factor. Besides the benefits in accordance with our laws,etc. I've said many times I'm willing to associate myself and do whatever you wish. Marriage I thought about it. We got engaged..I didn't even know what it was we were doing. Who does ? I just accepted it knowing you wanted it. Knowing that you would be happy to be married I would of to. But like my issue with uncertain thoughts lingering in my head. That kept ringing to. But it was a void. A confusion I didn't get. Like drinking and being apart of a social scene at a bar. Maybe all along you are right I guess for the majority we don't have anything in common or sense you've become who you are now we don't. Whatever the case. I don't wish to go on further explaining to people why I won't marry. It's simple. If I give you my word that I will be apart of your life. I mean it. If I say where you want to eat without caring where It is we go. I mean it. If it is to please you and make me unhappy. I'd rather it that way. Just so long that you are happy and pleased. I wanted nothing else. I didn't need a marriage certificate. I didn't need a ring on your finger. I already did that. I put many rings because those things made you happy. If by mistake I didn't accept to be apart of one thing in your life. Marriage I'm sorry. My word well if it wasn't good enough. If my desire to do all I've done for without having a say in the matter for the most part. Without caring who you talked to or what you were doing. My trust and concern. Everything that made me who I was to tell you that I loved you. That I wanted to apart of your life wasn't more then marriage. Well I'm sorry that I couldn't make marriage a higher priority then you. Thanks for everything and if I've missed spoke or misjudged or some how managed to say you were cheating it was not meant to be said that way. Again thanks for the memories.

Hope you all enjoy the story. Maybe we should act out the Jerry Springer show now. I'll go and be the angry x and beat up your new found love. Mahaha. It would be fun or would it ? I'll walk in and say very crude and uncalled for and things that are not true.. :D

Hope you are not mad and I hope you understand I put my heart into this. I tried to say and cover everything I could.


I don't care if you figured it out. I am just glad you have been granted what you wished and that I can no longer go on confusing and leaving you misunderstood about how I really felt about you.


You are incorrect If I never put myself on this truck we would be together at this moment. But it is alright. I'm fine with it. If I had intervene when I was home about what I knew was actually going on not cheating..Just what was transpiring. We would be together. But I let it go by as I would anything. Where do I have the say in what two people want. Where do I ever have the heart to speak about certain things. Again if it is to make you happy so be it. You need sex more so then I so be it. I need music more so then sex. Let what happens happen and lets move on. No use crying over spilled milk. Besides I got a lot of gaming to do once I manage to exist outside of this partial world I am currently apart of.


No I didn't fuck anything up. What has happened has happen. Nothing can be changed. Sure my thoughts and views changed and made you to not hate me but feel as you do towards me.


I don't think anything less of you because you chose to sleep with him. That is what you wish. Just as you asked and was concerned because you were getting into a relationship or might I say prior to just might do something with your friends. He is welcome to my left overs..I'm kidding. But honestly I mean when is the right time ? When you two felt the need to fuck. He managed what he needed to. Now it's done. Yipee! I'm not the father!


No Meg is no a slut. Obviously she wanted to be with him she is. Why should she wait to fuck him. It is a common interest between to people when they like each other. They do. So they do what they need to do. As I do what I need to.

Btw Owen that Top Friends pay attention she takes that shit way to serious. Haha. But doesn't matter to me. No one is here to hold my hand and tell me who should be placed where. Nope. I'm actually free to place and put people where I wish. I am only playing with you Meg please don't give me any lecture :P

I must admit I still have that lingering feeling..Like dam did I just say that to a girl..Oh hope I didn't Meg wouldn't have wanted me to. Or just things in general happen and I have to question or think about what I am or am not allowed to say or do.

But sooner or later I will be free! As for now I only mean this because in a relationship certain things and words you say you shouldn't etc..Now though freedom TADA!

I love you Meg have a wonderful life.
Currently listening:
Visceral Departure
By Years of Fire
8:10 PM


Saturday, March 08, 2008
Digg tech not stupid presidential nonsense!
Current mood:  aggravated
Category: Blogging
Digg has become what I fear Myspace will one day. Annoying! I can't sleep. I know better then to ignore Digg. It is my fix for science/tech and gaming. That being the majority. Sure I can choose either subjects and just see what is going on. But I enjoy reading front page stories. Digg is community driven for those who dont know. it is a site with links to other sites on various subjects. The stories make front page by how many in the community digg it. Simply meaning like a bookmark you click digg I click 80000 more like the story etc It ends up front page. Though the site seems to have been taken over by diggs on elections. I just want my old digg. Tech and lots of it. Nolo is lost in his music about to sleep. Might read Fark news all these years later and it doesnt suck! Sing it if you know Finger Paintings of the insane. Good night I wil be up at 3am or 4am.
10:10 AM



Sunday, March 09, 2008
The greatest poetry community no longer exists and I am very sad
Current mood:  annoyed
Category: Blogging
Some mindless moron has hacked Emule user submitted poetry. You won't find that part of Emule.com for at least the past two years we had been abandonded by the webmaster. Now Emule.com Is a p2p site for the file sharing emule software. And then now this idiot comes along and hacks the poetry portion of the site. You can see the hack by going to Google type in user submitted poetry should be the first link. Well it was apart of my life for seven years. At most 4 dedicated years enjoying many great talents while the rest of the years coming by writing on occasions. This year I decided to dedicate more time and I was till this happen. Now I know a percentage of my freinds there are also apart of Cosmic Poetry though I never quiet liked the supposed to be better then Emule website. And worst Emule has been hacked I doubt the webmaster could care. It was already we had been Ignored so long. I'd like to thank Brucefur Stephen Fryer Lgreen Sin Ladyofthe night as well anyone else there who taught me when I was so stubborn. Being young in a world of talents like the folks at Emule. Allows you to open your mind and become a better person. It was all of them that has kept me wanting to learn and strive for better. When in 2001 I was a stubborn kid but they looked up not down at me. They saw what I could be and not the iggnorance I was. Even though I still need to learn to properly write I just can't explain my stream of writing that I consider poetry. While some say it is. As well where once I did not use periods caps or even apostrephes I know spelled incorrect. It was Brucefur and Stephen etc.. Who encouraged me to do so. Just like their focus to get me to write about anything other then death. If anyone ever changed me It was this community. I guess I will become apart of Cosmic and possibly seek a new place online. If you know any let me know. This is one more to add to the end of one thing and beginning to a new In April. Anything else wishes to change for better or worst before April ?
10:07 PM



Monday, March 10, 2008
private don’t click waste your time
Category: Blogging
If you enjoy reading. If you enjoy reading what might be poetry. Then this is the place for you. But thats not all. No no. Now who gets offended easy ? Well say no more I made sure that no one will be offended. Just log on choose where you wish to go. And otherwise if you manage to get offended or land in an area you probably wouldn't be. There should be signs all over.

www.darkdimensions.net. Enjoy it It's Censored for your pleasure. :D


So last year marks the year I started working on a new revamped and ashamed to say with the help of a website creator. I'm sorry but I'm to busy to update and get to know Html this time and anytime in the future. The basics is enough to get me by..2.0,etc no thank you. This though is an accomplishment regardless. Last time I finally got the website url..www.darkdimensions.net. Then I created a website entirely from scratch. Now though I used the aid of a free program called Page Breeze there are better out there. But I chose Page Breeze. Anyways did a splendid job with my help of course and so yea I've updated my website.


It is true I rushed it out. Though the site had been sitting recreated on my desktop. I admit a good portion was done today and I also had a big failure. Well one of many considering it's been so long since I've worked with a website. But I managed to log in. I manage to remember how to access and ftp account and the one major problem was that I ooops completely wiped out all the writings that wouldn't offend anyone. Fortunately I had them backed up in txt. Though I did rewrite everyone prior to mistakenly messing it up. But the text file is the raw original writings from when I was younger. So therefore spelling errors,etc.

Bulletin from this morning an a old writing. Joy of summer.

Sensation of joy.
Flowers so many colors.
Flower covered fields stretching for miles.
It goes on forever. Bright and vivid.
The sun beaming down from above.
Covering me in warmth. A lovely sight.
Wind pressing it's invisible force on me.
A delight a wonderful delight. Joy of summer a lovely time..

Figured summer was approaching and so I pulled this up from 2003. I know mushy happy writing. But It was weird this morning 2am 60 degrees. Though It was Texas. I felt like I was In La humidity. As Mizz Evil would say ick ha. So I know I have said Dark Dimensions would be recreated two years ago. Honestly It is complete. Has been. I just neglected to upload it. Maybe today. I feel the writings need to be polished. At least the 2002 2004 era. Anyways listening to Howard waiting to get a door so I maybe unloaded.
6:50 PM




Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Thinking I need a smoke and mirrors thing. You know the GED!
Current mood:  aggravated
Category: Blogging
Though I think I need it obviously for some of these jobs with higher priority beliefs. But even with it I still can't seem to find anything local driving that pays effiecent and when I did I still had contract left! Now that job is apparently filled and would of been the best. If I would of taken it though I don't know that a whole other road. A part of me still wishes to get back home and drive local and another part says stick it out. Though I'm tired very very tired. I think I'm burned out as well. 3-9-8 I rarely slept. This isn't about the relationship any longer. Those feelings have gone for the most part. But So on that day I rarely slept. Around 9pm I woke up. Emailed some freinds we talked for a while and then I did some surveys. I know what a life! I've been reading my books as well. Then on the 10th
keep in mind I'm still up from 9pm ish. I leave go drop off what I am supposed. The week didn't go as I wanted to. Some days you only wish you had some idea where you are going. While it is true my recap is in top order because I didn't push to get the load there. I probably could of ran a small yesterday that delievered today. An extra 300 miles. Would it have been worth the hassle ? Possibly not. That does make this job interesting. Variable. Many many. Though I could of been here earlier a day earlier in fact possibly two in a different world of course. But definately a day earlier. I am  alright that I made it here when I did I just wish I could of at least got a little more in before the load ended. That whole log book throwing it's face in everything I do. But we are "free" out here. At least however yesterday after I delievered I came back here. Apparently because I'm in the middle of no where Texas no load info has been sent since yesterday. I am available to work since yesterday 10 hours after the drop. It's been at least 20ish. Though the good news is that yesterday still up from the 9pm the day before which was blindling forgotten when I sat down and started tampering with my old website which now is updated. As well as my Myspace profile. Now to clean up the desktop,bookmarks,pictures all over my pc's and this laptop. Ah! Well I was listening to Sirius a little while this morning and the best DJ was on. Jason Ellis. He cranks up Ain't my bitch by Metallica and lately again not because of the relationship but where once I didn't like the song I started like it. Now I like it even more. Thanks Jason. He says roller blades...In his accent australian sound...Roller blades ain;t my bitch haha. And now I have since forgotten about roller blades I really really want a pair. I need it. Though it was a problem when I was a kid to find a pair that fit my big feet. The internet is now available and I shsall find me a nice pair. So yes I was looking at jobs this morning and no one is paying close to 17 or 18...What I am supposed to work minimum wage ? I'd be happy to but I'm going to need to clear 16grand in debt. Then I could work any job and be content knowing I have job so long as it pays off the bills with some play room. Those days seem to have drifted into that whole responsible life career relationship I was in. Now that the dream is dead and I've become responsible to no one and nothing. I am free again. So If I don't wish to make something of myself I can do so...I think that however would drive me insane since I've had the other life style and now I want more more more. Besides I'm going to need a newer car some time in the future. The Nissan is rolling on all fours and running well but dam how much longer ? I can only see one job I possible would work  they're offering 16 an hour. Still thasts a little behind but would be better then nothing. I'm not applying to anything though. It isn't April/May. So until that time and hopefully around that time there will be positions available if nothing else I will have a very heart to heart talk with Trillium Driving Services or whatever that temp driver service is called..Scared to work with them prior experience with Seek Inc was a bit shaky...One week you work one week you don't. That will pay the bills.
5:57 AM



Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Two existing paths. No certain direction. Revised blog .
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
Hello readers of the Captain No-no blog. A different way to say the subject is: two perspectives in my life that lead different paths.

First lets talk about relationships
Where I once fail I hope never to fail again. But would someone ever be willing to understand me for who I am and not for what I could be ? I'm sorry if I can't be the one to tell you I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you. But I can tell you I'd be happy to give years of my time to someone. I again say I won't say forever. But I'm also going to say who knows. Call it harsh. I call it reality. Now apart of me says don't get into relationships. I don't plan to. I don't plan to for a very long time. If thats possible. Though if I turn my charms on a girl she might tie me to her bed and never let me out. Haha. I'm only being silly. Fortunately I've been speaking to one person..Why not thousands ? I don't know wouldn't be comfortable to me. I don't know how to even do this much less more then one. Though speaking to as a friend. Again to be in a relationship wouldn't work not now and interesting enough she isn't looking to be in one either. So friends sounds good to me. I need people to hang out with and explore the wonders of Milwaukee. It is interesting how I met this person online. I won't say right now because well personally I don't think you need to know. It wasn't Myspace. But it was a bizarre place haha. Her interests resemble mine though with differences as anyone would have. Where I am more music I think she is more calmer.

Another path in life that is music not relationships/dating or friends. Music is a devotion to me. It is my way to release my emotions. A way to hide from my emotions. It makes me happy and I very much enjoy it. I am happy to be apart of a global world of talented musicians and people who are willing to support and help others explore what music is around. Those are my friends who as well as me have support pages for local music around various places in the world. You can find those support pages on my profile. If you are interested. I'm also interested in creating music and plan to one day actually have a room filled with many instruments. Regardless if I can or can't play to just be there and play around with would be fun. I'd like still believe that one day I'll open a coffee shop like Pillars. Maybe I'll add a strip club to it..I'm joking. But though I'd like it to be a reastraunt/coffee shop/concert stop. A quiet place to read and hang out as well. These are all just thoughts.


Off topic subjects

Alaska not really off topic it plays a role. But regardless. I wish you all knew where I am when it comes to Alaska. I'd love to visit the state. I just wish to see what once would of been home and has never been. I think that has always played apart in how I feel. An incomplete part of me that has never been feeled. An obligation I never persued. I'd like to go walk around. Bring my 35mm camera and a new digital camera. But time is not going to allow that much fredom. Especially when I just want to be home in Milwaukee. I'm sure that some day at some time I'll be old and possibly I'll finally go.




Off topic

I'm awaiting the release of Spore and my release from this job. As well Hell Gate London is already out the demo was fun. It's like playing Diablo 2 Lord of Destruction in 3d with new features and areas to explore.


Off topic

If there is anyone interested in hanging out. Guy or girl in Milwaukee/surrounding areas and is reading this. Not looking to go lolligagging in the bar but would be interested in walking around to the malls or to a park or anywheres you wish if you are a girl. Guys I treat like guys and girls well like girls. I won't tell a girl where I want to go I will ask her where she wants to go. Guys possibly the same but it's the I really don't care mentality. I also enjoy finding a place to sit in Barnes and Noble at Mayfair so I can read magazines, books. I think thats all I Wish to say on this.
6:47 AM


Sunday, March 16, 2008
Unexperienced dater changes with the days. A revision.
Current mood:  quiet
Category: Blogging

Life changes. Paths don’t collide they merge away. I’ve never dated. I am like a single guy just getting out of high school. The guy you know that never gets the girl, Though I say never dated. But I mean I’ve always walked right into relationships. It never was what can we be and where will it go ? I thought I had it understood. That you patiently work your way into a relationship. Which I did and I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to go about "Dating" I think that maybe approaching a relationship should be different then how I previously would have. Instead of getting to know the girl online and then walking into her life. Which is a rather quick approach. That isn’t to say it doesn’t and did not work. Obviously we managed six years. Our arguments existed but nothing hateful. Though it was fun. I’d like to try it differently. I don’t think that I can ever bring it to the point of long term. But however I know I am very capable and easily persuaded and easily loved..I think. And on the dating front as I said no I never have. Only in relationships and well we did have many wonderful nights together. Out and about to various locations. Trips to places sometimes far away and sometimes minutes away. But fun no matter the distance.


What I find most interesting about my current situation is I am free to exist and find someone with common interests and it doesn’t have to be romance. It doesn’t have to be sexual. Just pure fun flirting friendship or something like that I assume ? But then again I’m telling you I’m that guy who doesn’t get the girl haha. It doesn’t mean I’m not capable of making that a possibility.

Jess says I should live my life as I am. Well dam then I’ll never be with a girl. Imagining myself huddled in a corner at the local Barnes and Noble reading....silently quietly. No I mean honestly who knows right. I am an interesting person so it is assumed by my randon friendly internet folks. You know I would be sleeping but someone decided to give me their number and next thing you know I push myself up and now my moment of sleep has faded. I do say after this revision I am going to bed and Meg might randomly send another message about missing her loving friend. How sweet.



I really don’t know where to focus my attention. I’d like to believe on one person and I think I will. But though I’ve currently thought to express my single situation to others and oddly enough a guy even asked for me to be apart of his sweet ass...And I had to kindly reply that that would be lovely and gay..get it happy. If only he was actually a loving lady. I am a person who is willing to learn and enjoy new experiences. I think I’m starting to see that maybe my flaw is not only am I that way with everything else I’m that way in relationships. Simply meaning I can’t be happy with one experience for ever and ever and ever and ever. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t take the car for a spin for a few years. Only that one day I’ll be awaken to find a new car ? Well dam thats harsh and I guess I really couldn’t say that because in a relationship every day comes a new experience. And you can always think postive and how to maintain something fresh. But you know thats over as sure as this subject about a topic I obviously have no understanding is over. Relationships that is.


I will be going to Louisiana and I hope by that point someone in Louisiana will be interested in going to a movie with me. I hope. I mean I can always take Greg. And that would be fun..Like good times. But It would be awkward. I need like a Meg replacement..That almost sounds mean and or creepy and I don’t mean it that way. I’m just saying there will be a void.


Well I don’t plan to break hearts. I only plan to see smiles and happiness flourish.

If anything someone will need someone like me I think. I mean I am spastic and silly. I will even remind you the girl next to us is really hot..And you will remind me that she isn’t the prize. And I will find my way into your heart and remind you that you are more important.
12:19 PM



I am not exactly sure what you are looking for in the blog but the only thing that comes to my mind is the usual advice. Just be your self, I say this to you not only because it is good advice in general but because you are one of the most interesting guys I have ever meet. I think if you just live your life the way you want to you will have no problem meeting other interesting people especially girls. ttyl

Jess



Sunday, March 16, 2008
Cel Shaded animation how I miss you. Cinderalla,Snow White,etc
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
I know Nolon is on a blogosphere craze today. Well I rrr thought I was going to leave to go pick up load. But rrrr load is a maybe you can pick up early maybe you can’t..So in order not to start my work day so complaining people won’t grip about log books. I just instead shall relax in Wal-Marts parking lot and throw out this little blog of something that has been on my mind as many things that are on my mind and will never be resolved by me or anyone else. So here goes.


As we all know it’s 2008. We are in the world of 3d animation. Toy Story, Shrek...Those movies. But why does cel shade animation have to go away ? Why why why ? I mean honestly it was some of the best art work/motion pictures ever. Though let me state that I have nothing against. Ice Age,etc. I just wish someone would put effort into cel shading. I guess the best logical reason that it is no longer is because of trend. Because of time. Because of money. Because of all these factors. Well I want it back that is all I wish. And speaking of cel shading. It isn’t just that I mean all the clever genius cel shaded cartoons from Pop Eye to Betty Boop and so many others like Looney Tunes and Animaniacs. There was such clever and funny thoughtful thoughts that went into these cartoons that you just won’t find in Shrek. Though there is funny bits and all I mean the imagination of a cel animation sometimes is amazing. When we are talking about Popeye..Just the little touches that make the cartoon interesting. Usually in Cinderalla. It was a story. You can’t expect the silly crafty witty things that are put into Road Runner and Popeye. If you are judgemental and tell me to stop watching cartoons then please exit. Because I’m not going to give you the lecture on how animation is not only for kids and why. Ps Flintstones was orignally for adults..
11:43 PM


Monday, March 17, 2008
Cosmic Poetry. My poetic new home.
Current mood:  amorous
Category: Blogging
I was trying to write a subject that would properly say I’ve been apart of Cosmic for awhile. Though I guess it is best to say My new home considering that though I’ve been back and forth I’ve never stuck to Cosmic as I did Emule. Cosmic was spinned off from Emule back 4 years ago ? By Syn and Bruce along with Silent Siren and many other great Emule writers. I was one of them who was there but just never felt it to be home. I guess though now I really don’t have a choice with Emule neglected,abandonded and now hacked. However it seems that recently and I know because again I have and do visit Cosmic even if I’m not actualyl there. But seems Cosmic has a make over! Oddly enough I do like it but miss Cosmic as it was..I guess because I knew it as what it was for so long. Though I guess I will now become a offical permanent member who plays an active role ? I don’t know. If anything it will be nice to hear from my friends.


Cosmic Poetry mission statement. And obviously I’m not mentioning this for myself. You are welcome to become a member and or check out the website.

http://www.cosmicpoetry.org/missionstatement.html
3:25 AM



Monday, March 17, 2008
Who is the real King of rock n roll ? We could debate this all day
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
Though I think Elvis is a great person and certainly the King of rock for the white man. As well as many others but the original King Fats.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18nTpdDKD04


But of course lets not be forgetful and remember other great acts of that day.

Jerry Lee Lewis. You can cry and complain he banged his cousing. Oh well. That is his nooky. It doesn’t mean his talent wasn’t amazing..Look at this guy.Energetic!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5C7OGNCC3g&feature=related

I wish I could pull some talent like that haha. Thats amazing.

And Elvis he could put his voice to almost anything and make it one great song. And he had a very very interesting way of using his vocals. I will continue this another day. Heading down south to South Carolina...YALL BE GOOD...Haha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-J3tdAuBJ3k
8:35 AM


Monday, March 17, 2008
Thanks for spoling Readers Digest Slaw..It’s that Christian mag..10 ways to control cravings
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
Avoid your triggers. "You crave what you eat, so if you switch what you’re eating, you can weaken your old cravings and strengthen new ones," says Marcia Pelchat, PhD, of the Monell Center. This can happen pretty fast. For five days, her study volunteers drank bland dietary-supplement beverages. During that time, they craved fewer of their trigger foods. By the end of the study, the volunteers actually wanted the supplements instead. The first few days are always the hardest, and you probably can’t completely eliminate your old cravings. But the longer you avoid your trigger foods, the less likely you may be to want them. In fact, you’ll probably begin to crave the foods you eat, a real bonus if you’ve switched to fresh fruit.

I have to agree with this tip. Though the problem on the road is eating healthy. I mean I don’t know. I know I need to consult and find the right people who eat healthy on the road. I do curve some things and as always eat less. Though I really do agree with this. Meg had me go from drinking no water to drinking nothing but water. When I was young I had not liked water and it wasn’t enforced to drink it at our home. Pop of course was happily given as well as Kool-Aid. Things you should never drink but I will say I do enjoy a glass of Kool-Aid and I do have some Kool-Aid mix on the truck. Happily I can say I have rarely used it and over the past month I’ve not drunk a soda..Only Brisk Lemon Ice Tea which I don’t think is good for me either and so I will try to stop drinking it as much as I was. But I do agree stray away from the things you know are bad and focus else where. I also thank Kelly because I enjoy salad. I really do. Mom used to have fresh vegetables from the garden..You don’t appreciate that until you become concious of the benefits. But the point I’m making is my trainer Kelly and I were at I forget the name of the eatery but Kelly was sort of health consious. Even more then I and I don’t recall how it happened but I went to the salad bar and fixed me some and since I very much continue to do so. Again I agree.

Destroy temptation. If you’ve succumbed to a craving and bought a box of cookies or some other trigger food and start to feel bad while eating it, destroy it. "Don’t just throw it away; run water over it, ruin it. You’ll feel a sense of accomplishment that you’ve licked your binge," says Caroline Apovian, MD, director, Nutrition and Weight Management Center at Boston Medical Center. Don’t think about the money you’re wasting. If the cookies don’t go into the garbage, they’re going straight to your hips.

Lmao I think this is a little over the top but ok


Go nuts. Drink two glasses of water and eat an ounce of nuts (6 walnuts, 12 almonds or 20 peanuts). Within 20 minutes, this can extinguish your craving and dampen your appetite by changing your body chemistry, says RD’s "Health IQ" columnist Michael F. Roizen, MD.

I have been needing to buy nuts. Swallow nuts. Oh yes this is going to be gay..I drink a lot of water if at possible. Speaking of which since I know Slaw reads this and I had actually thought to send her a message but I’ll just say it here. We had been discussing proper ways to contain water so that we don’t die of crazy plastic diseases but that regardless there still is stuff in tap water,etc..Anyways I had thought to buy glass containers at Wal-Mart. Though I didn’t this time. I do plan to possibly next time. I always have preffered glass over plastic since well obviously it sure does make for cleaning up easier in the kitchen. But this is about nuts. Nuts nuts nuts and water. Woo swallow in nuts in water..Joy. 2 glasses ? Helll I’m rolling down the freeway with a gallon. I’d like to try to drink 2 gallons a day but I think that might be impossible.  But this nut idea I think I really like and will welcome it into me becoming a healthier person one day I think.

P.s. I have no hatred for gays and they are welcome to all the nuts they ever wish for. But I can make jokes right ? :D No one was called a fag in this section.


Jolt yourself with java. Try sipping a skim latte instead of reaching for a candy bar. The caffeine it contains won’t necessarily satisfy your cravings, but it can save you the calories by quenching your appetite, says Dr. Roizen. And the warm richness and ritual can distract you.

Well this won’t happen. Not with me no no. I need it rich and unhelathy and cold.

Let it go. Since stress is a huge trigger for cravings, learning to deal with it could potentially save you hundreds of calories a day. This will take some practice. You can try deep breathing or visualizing a serene scene on your own, or you can speed things up by buying one of the many CDs that teach progressive muscle relaxation. A good one is Relaxation/Affirmation Techniques, by Nancy Hopps.

Relieve stress. Oh I thought you needed sex for that. Sex has been thrown out the window. And I don’t think the hand is a better option. It is rather quiet and to attached...

Take a power nap. Cravings sneak up when we’re tired. Focus on the fatigue: Shut the door, close your eyes, re-energize.

You know I don’t know why I am wasting my time. I don’t have cravings. But the tips regardless or worth the time. I eat only when I feel the need to eat. Which isn’t a good thing either. My naps turn into sleep time. I can’t do that. I lay down I sleep and I can sleep for hours or until my back screams GET UP GET UP GET UP! Because it hurts and then of course I have no choice.

Get minty fresh. Brush your teeth; gargle with mouthwash. "When you have a fresh, clean mouth, you don’t want to mess it up," says Molly Gee, RD, of Baylor College of Medicine in Houston.

I’m opposite when it comes to this. I think I won’t brush my teeth now because what if I do eat..and then next thing you know it’s the next day. But I’ve also have started brushing my teeth a lot more frequently. And of course once I do brush my teeth yes I won’t eat. No my problem is I hate the taste of food afterwards.


Distract yourself. If only ice cream will do, it’s a craving, not hunger. "Cravings typically last ten minutes," says John Foreyt, PhD, of Baylor College of Medicine. Recognize that and divert your mind: Call someone, listen to music, run an errand, meditate or exercise.

Don’t eat the ice cream listen to the radio. Oh yes that sounds like a change of plans. Depending on the ice cream I think I’d rather eat the ice cream but depending on the song I might rather hear the song..Now this is a hard choice.

Indulge yourself -- within limits. Once in a while, it’s OK to go ahead and have that ice cream. But buy a small cone, not a pint. Try 100-calorie CocoaVia chocolate bars and 100-calorie snack packs of cookies, peanuts or pretzel sticks. The trick is to buy only one pack at a time so you won’t be tempted to reach for more. And since even 100 extra calories can sabotage weight loss if you indulge daily, strike a bargain with yourself to work off the excess calories. A brisk 15-minute walk will burn 100 calories or so.

I can burn 100 calories by walking 15minutes a day hmmm. Dam I only buy one Snicker Ice cream bar..I mean I would buy more and even though I spend a lot of money I do hold some spending back. But I won’t say I’m not tempted to dump the whole dam bucket of the things in my cart..Those are so good. And a pint of ice cream won’t win one of those over unless it is made in a way I like.

Plan or avoid. Vary your usual routine to avoid passing the bakery or pizzeria. If you know you’ll be face-to-face with irresistible birthday cake, allocate enough calories to fit it into your diet.

Hehe people who have cravings are silly. I mean you know now and then I want something but dam.. And when I was with Meg sometimes it was just to tempting to not go some where. Always was it fun to at any random given notice at any random time say lets go eat or something heh.


and the link to the article is

http://www.rd.com/health/weight-loss/tips-and-tricks/10-ways-to-control-your-cravings/article.html
10:02 AM


Monday, March 17, 2008
Life After People History Channel Easter Sunday. Someone record for me Pleeeease.
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=534190&in_page_id=1770&ct=5

If I miss cable it’s because I miss The History Channel A&E Discovery and channels similar to those. This is pretty much what the subject says. Life  after people. I just thought you all might be interested in watching it. I know I would be.


Have a good Easter. I’ll be on the truck. As I am for a lot of things as I was for a lot of things..But honestly I’m and I was and I will be enjoying myself. To an extent.
10:34 AM



Monday, March 17, 2008
About me today or this week or something like that..
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
You know sometimes we just forget thing. I once lost a book rr! Forgot a book at work. First one to loose and sadly it was Megs. Then I finally started to read La Mort De Author ? Might of got it wrong. Original King Arthur. Well I swear I forgot It on the roof of my car. Well It has been awhile since those two and yesterday I did it again arr! I lost a book Meg and a book Megs mom gave me. The moral of the story ? I am a loser...ah ha but no I am really sad. One was a science on music and the other a collection of short stories. Worst my fav bookmark Chaice bought me was in it. Now this makes me more sad. Meg I am sorry I wish I knew where all those wonderful bookmarks you made me are. Especially now In mem of a wonderful relationship. I am sure I will find them when I am all alone in my lonesome home heh. Dam this sucks. I want my books back.

I found my bookmark. I shall be more careful with it. It was actually In another book I am reading. Woo! I bought a george grill. Yummy make a sandwhich wonderful. Yea my other books didnt have bookmarks just random paper or whatever. My groceries are organized. Still need to organize my clothes. Wel thats my buletins for the day


Well seems my check will be a little more secured in comparison to what I had expected and I heh could of made it better but I dicked around for a day and relaxed. Well I washed clothes. Last night though I brought the load here to Streetsboro,Oh and then I was going to go to the toll way and sleep but there was a Wal-Mart. Lol I sort of slammed on made traction bad on truck/tractor..hehe but I got the truck into the parking lot. I bought groceries. I’ve not done that in months. I was very low. Like down to 3 packs of ramen and that was all. Been eating at the truck stops a lot lately..Yea thats not a good thing. 60 dollars is easily spent in a two to three day stretch. But this will make all better and I bought lunch meat..It is like a GOD send when you’ve not had a sandwich in months..Honestly it is rather bizarre. So much so that I even say f it and bought a George Forman grill. See you take your lunch meat and bread. You take cayenne,.Because as cajuns we do it right..Haha. And you take Tony’s. Oh man Meg doesn’t have Cajun in her anymore....:D Well I rrr just thought to mention that. It was something I enjoyed telling her. So then you do that and you put it on the George.. Wooo yum! I don’t know but it does some sort of transform..Just be careful how you handle that Tony’s and Cayenne. I bought organizers for my food..It is not nice to have to stare at a pile of food.. Worst having to dig through..You know you’ve been at Digg. com to long when you spell Dig digg... But It really does make the sandwich better and I enjoy it. My organizers look so much more neat then that pile. Now I need to have organizers for the top bunk so that my clothes can be properly put away. I buy these things and I think to myself what am I doing ? I know that I don’t want to be on this truck to long. But then I see that I have no where to go and no one to go to. So If maybe I just hold it off and continue to do so until I get the perfect job in Wisconsin then you know I can do that. I am free to do what I wish and fortunately I have no one to not wait for me to be home. It isn’t to say that I won’t miss having someone to miss me. And sure if the right person comes along I will certainly try to get the f off this truck and move along but otherwise If I am to secure myself financially first I really don’t know what will come first. If anything I’ll be settled and off this truck by the time of Spore or maybe because no one will be using the pc at home I’ll just bring it on board...I’d hate to do that though..But if it comes down to it. Greg already keeps mentioning and putting silly notions to take my Wii out here. I rrrr don’t want to do that along with my new monitor. I’ve finally realized I can actually use Myspace to look for others who are single/dating. What do you know. Brodie mentioned a service to me. I need to check that out. I actually came upon some profiles in Louisiana of some ladies who are actually more then what the majority of those I knew in Louisiana were. So as always I don’t know where I am where I am going. I’m along for the ride strapped in and awaiting the next day. If the next day doesn’t come well at least while I was here I enjoyed the ride.
12:25 PM


Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A lesson learned
Current mood:  adventurous
Category: Blogging
So I usually if I use the IdleAir service to go online. I’ll pay 5 dollars go on and thats for a 24hr limit. Sometimes I will use the 1.50 for an hour..Which for me is nice so I don’t stay online..Tonight I had things to do..Promoting bands/poetry/etc. Well so the first hour was fun. And then and then and then..And so I kept adding a dollar 50.And now I’m about 4 hours worth..Yes you see where this has gone..I’ve spent more then I could of spent using the 24hr run..See what temptation does. AHH!

But after this NO MORE! I’m going to the Waffle House unless that Bojangles place is open. I have some cash and well I’ve decided to spend it. I am not using my debit card I only used that for what was only supposed to be 1.50...It turned into more then 1.50..Ahem :D
9:06 PM



Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Crayon Physics demo Wow. You have to play this.
Current mood:  amused
Category: Blogging
Either your a gamer or not. Crayon Physics. If you got the imagination try the demo and when the game comes out It will be even cooler. The game objective ? Get the circle to the star...sounds easy ? Well this game uses physics and you get the ball moving by being creative. You draw squares/rectangles. But then you drop or design contraptions to get the ball moving. You dont control the ball. You design and drop things and think crafty how to move it. I really enjoy It and the one song they have Is soothing. Check It out very fun.
1:55 AM


Wednesday, March 19, 2008
How sadness quickly consumes happiness
Current mood:  aggravated
Category: Blogging
I was blinded for so long by honesty that I now realize was all lies hidden behind a crafty smile a lovely voice. I refuse ever to say anything bad about certain people. I am so lost/confused. I can’t sleep. And worst I recieve this news. Though It only figures when someone chooses to write very rude things about someone and you go on assuming they loved you. I guess it was a fake all along. I would like to carry this on. But like the fairy tale It must end on a happy note. I maybe bitter but I am also happy. I could let what was or what I assumed to believe was bother me but there are better and hopefully more honest people to worry about. And I’d say more bout previous worlds but some digital words said no more. I do feel I can at least say that.
9:34 AM


Thursday, March 20, 2008
Some advertisements are cool.
Current mood:  amused
Category: Blogging
Ha I was In Indiana and a bilboard all In red with white txt said "red well" hehe get it ?
12:56 PM


Friday, March 21, 2008
Open my eyes just to have them closed again...METALLICA!
Current mood:  enlightened
Category: Blogging
Is Listening to Load and Reload to piss off mainstream judgemental fucks. And as well because these two albums are great...well I could do without the fuel song but come on Untill It Sleeps ? The song that consumed me Into being a lover of all things rock. That opened my eyes and wouldn’t let me leave my bedroom as I saturated and gain the highest respect for music. I owe It all to Metallica! Metallica new album coming to a store near you with new Bass player and a great group of intelligence we all call Metallica. Who still make kick ass music regardless to the many of you crying annoying people who have spoken so badly about them. But they will rise like the Nintendo Wii and all you cry babies will come a crawling acting as though you never spoke one bad word about them. POSERS!
6:38 AM


Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Music wrting vs. writing poetry writing.
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
This has been on my mind. I know how to form and create words that mingle well within a writing. Though I think I understand song writing. But I feel it is in a completely though at times similar world..I’m sorry I have nothing else to say. I have some songs in the works. I still don’t have any instruments. Just words. :D
And since I have nothing else to share and or write..I know how much you all ENJOY those long paragraphs.
Here is a video. A good video.
heaven shall burn
12:52 AM


 Wednesday, March 26, 2008

3-7-8 A life blog from that day. Lost in my blog offline world.
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
Sitting in  a McDonalds in St. Joseph Mo. I got out the truck. Walking around out here. It is cold. So I decided to walk inside the truck stop. That got boring. There was a Mc D’S figured I could get a coffee. Cold hazlenut. It is a cheap solution to a good coffee shop. I wish this was a Mc Cafe or whatever they call their coffee shop. When I’m in Wisconsin I wish for winter. Out here in a  truck..I wish for summer. At least if anything something warm...Safe. It is uncomfortable knowing what maybe iced over at any moment while going down the road. Now back to the story. So of course it is not dim in Mc D’s. Bright bright lights. I had enough of that from the sun driving today. Sitting in Mc D’s I went into a wish I was at Pillllars mode/trance/reflection. Though that will never be again. Since Pillllars is closed. I had my coffee. I felt like I was at Barnes and Noble at Mayfair. Even though I believe it is dimmer in there. Not quite coffee shop dim. But dimmer then McD. I enjoyed the coffee. This blog was originally written there while drinking..You think my phone would give a better warning then the one bar idea..Which may mean or may not mean you are close to dead. I wish it would give me a time frame..Instead of application terminated..I thought for a moment to save and then refinish..But no of course not I kept writing until I lost and now I have to recall. So the only thing McD had going for it was Sirius Gold. Oldies music. Great 50,60’s and I think late 40’s rock and roll. I’m not familiar with the time line. I usually recognize it as 50’s. Though it ranged in that time frame more then just the 50’s. So that was cool. Heard some great classics. But otherwise I kept thinking of Pillllars. I really miss the place. Open mic nights, movies, bands..At least when Mort was running the place. Enjoying a book while watching the creativity pouring into that place. I remember some rather interesting bands. There wasn’t many poets/writers and I never had the courage to go up there. Though I remember singing with Thomas that one night and that was cool. Even though I don’t recall what I was singing about. I miss the building. I would love to live there. Such a lovely church turned into coffee shop. I miss the local art work hanging on the walls. How I wanted so many times to take some of that home for myself. But all good things can’t always continue and so Pillars has become no more. Maybe one day some where I will walk into a new coffee house to call my own. I thank Meg for introducing me to coffee and or shops. I thank Mort for introducing me to the wonders of Pillars. Oh and the local beef jerky yummy. Mikes meat. It still can be found sprinkled through out West Bend and surrounding areas. Hehe Nailwounds was the best to be brought into a religious establishment..But that is what made Pillars great. No matter your belief even though there was a belief system in place. I mean until Mort left and then that went away obviously. God taketh the place of a creative mind. No fair! So Meg and I talked today. Possibly the best conversation we had since we broke up. I had asked Meg about my current financial situation. Brighter but still very very dim. At about 16000 in debt. After the additional 900 that Meg thinks might be paid off this month. Which means finally one of my credit cards will be no more. Now to get rid of the 16000. That could be done if I wasn’t looking to get my life back. If I were to drive all over the country untill Dec of this year or April of next. But I am thinking I would rather pay off in smaller percentages and look forward to a new life. A life I lost some where out here. Where every night is sleep sleep sleep. But everyday I get worst at sleeping. I just want to be me again. Sleep little read/write/play a lot. Though even that won’t happen if I go local driving. At least it will to an extent. But I will still have to obtain sleep to keep safe. It’s not like working as your local cook,cart pusher,bell man or valet driver. Oh no 3 hours of sleep just won’t work. Maybe maybe. I guess I will see. Who knows. I just want to be home I hate saying that. Everytime I say home. I think home. But home is just a memory. I am meaning a place to exist outside of this truck. A place I can come home to every night and leave when I choose. A place unlike this. But as well I still don’t hate it out here. I just have lost to much everything else. You think silly when getting this job. That time is on your side and freedom is yours. It is but in small doses with limited access to how you wish to go about that time and worst the room to have that time. Being in the truck or in a truck stop with actual people AHHH! Smokers as well. Though I admit that with no smoking policy being placed in a  lot of places that rarely is a problem. But you won’t find a silent calm place in a truck stop to sit down and enjoy your time unless you are in the reastraunt and that doesn’t exactly count considering the waitress is usually wondering wtf are you doing sitting and reading and not leaving it’s been 4 hours. At least I think that is what they are thinking. Maybe I think to much. I don’t know but I know it is 10pm 3-7-8 and you won’t be able to read this post until I decided or have time to place it online and don’t even think I’ll bother recopying this to the phone...That is no no no fun. It does not mean I won’t bother doing it some nights. That is just how bored I get. I’ve become a quick typer using the phone..It is kind of scary. Haha. I am thinking of playing Zelda Minish Cap. I know I need to finish it. I need to finish a lot. Just to many things to do. Keeping busy and doing to many things at one time. I need some focus. Right now walking in the park near my house would be great if it was daylight and I was properly dressed for the occassion. I could go for some fun in the snow! I think I might loose my mind playing games and having no one to tell me to come to bed. That will actually be odd. I can imagine my days off working locally...No one home. No one but me. No one to be kind and playful to ask to come to bed. Will be missed but I can see it. Food won’t exist bathroom breaks will be maybe a little longer. Time will just become a blur of day to night night to day and I’ll be leveling up in some digital world in a game like Hell Gate London. It will be like the days of Diablo and Diablo 2 Lord of Destruction. When I was younger. Now though I can possibly not use my headphones. It is to bad I still live in an apartment. I would otherwise get the best dam entertainment system I could afford and play World of Warcraft, Hell Gate, Spore and many other cool games very very loud. I been thinking of trying to get a speaker system that will run through the whole house so no matter what room I am in if my music is on I’ll be able to listen. I also want to make it possible to control my entertainment by any pc that is available in the house. Which means yes I will be building new ones. Which I was expecting to do anyway. I want a new gaming pc and I’d like to dabble in trying to build a laptop..That will be fun. Big hands little machine. It is already a mess to deal with a pc itself. Though I think all this will have to wait till I get a new apartment. A home ? Who knows. Meg talked me out of getting a studio apartment or maybe. I think they are cool. I mean everything is just there. But the bathroom is closed off. Meg said but if you wanted privacy when someone came over..Oh yea I didn’t factor in my family that comes down when they can afford to..I mean up up..Heh this is not Louisiana. I would like to a really huge bookcase or many bookcases. Are you bored yet ? I think everyday I’m just going to open this and go spastic. And then when the month ends I’ll dare anyone to bother reading my chaos. My switches and off topic writings. I think I will do that. It will be fun. As well interesting to see if anyone attempts to read a book per month! Haha
1:04 AM


Wednesday, March 26, 2008
An inside look on what I write about. The Importance of my writings to me.
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
I’ve been writing close to 8 years now. I have over the years continued to improve. I continue to try my best. Every year when a new starts my mind races in thought to what "theme" or what will be written. But as natural as any year passed my writings either flow out naturally or go through some very deep thoughts on various subjects revolving around me now or sometime in my life. Sometimes I’ll write based on someone I know or just the littlest things. Example being one of my latest "She is a book". I was driving. I had went to a store earlier and had seen a lady. I know that she had an interests in me as a person. Obviously I nor she acted on it. But you can tell. At least that is what it seemed like to me. She was attractive she had a lovely smile. And that thought led to one thought or another and I was probably thinking of books and next thing you know I’m driving down the highway writing a new one..Honestly writing haha. But I knew it was a good concept and didn’t want to let it go. I had posted it to Cosmic..I still wish to go over and read. But as time goes on and even right now. I’m sitting in the truck offline writing. Since there is no connection. But I just hate hate hate writing using the phone. I’ve also noticed my thoughts and views don’t come off as well as when I use a keyboard. See it as you may but the fact remains it is what it is.Maha but I can type faster then you when it comes to txt msging. Well at Cosmic someone I look up to as a friend. Who I do consider in all respects someone I can trust when it comes to my writings really gave me one of the best compliments I’ve had in a long time. As well as Abb my friend from Del Rio. Though Abb was a compliment where Bruce was an impact of my achievements over time. That doesn’t mean they were not both respected as much as the other either. It is just to say that one holds more respect where the other is a compliment. Where one comes from a friend and one comes from a critquer at a poetry site I visit. Little touches of compliments lets me know I’m still able to do it. And that was this years writing. Which as I said every year I’m dreading what I don’t know what I will write. It seems it doesn’t matter. Whatever effects me are comes to mind will come. It always has. It can be 8 years down the road and I’ll write something about a friend our a past relationship. If not that then it will be based around those experiences, And sometimes It is just pure randomness. You might of even thought I was in a relationships based on prior writings before Meg and I were together,etc. I will continue and I just wanted to share this stream of thought with the world. And who knows maybe in one of many writings you are apart of the experience and you just never been told. :P
1:15 AM




Sunday, March 30, 2008
Nolo’s Soap Box! Shut up! I don’t want to hear PC gaming is dead!
Current mood:  aggravated
Category: Blogging
I just wanted to take this time to say shut up. Thats all. I’m not reading and or maybe I will but not now..I need people to stop saying PC gaming is dead. It is my favorite form to game on and to say it is dead hurts my feelings. Stop  downloading the games that people dedicate their time making. Yes we don’t all have 50 dollars. Admittingly I’ve done it many times. Though we now need to slow down are something. I mean I’ve for the past few years been doing my best to buy pc games. I really don’t want the market to die and I really enjoy my pc gaming. I don’t think it is going away. Certainly when Spore hits the market will flood with buyers and as one post I did read currently if you dedicate towards the right market then someone will buy the games..Mostly to those who don’t have hardware that can run crazy mad graphics.Yes people still have pos pc’s..If you don’t know what pos stands for I suggest typing it in Googe and no I don’t mean personal operating system.
4:25 PM


Sunday, March 30, 2008
I am not entirely bitter. Thanks for anyone who is worried. Some coarse language involveld.
Current mood:  ashamed
Category: Blogging
First and foremost. Never ever get the idea that Meg is a bad person. I write my thoughts as I’ve always done. Sometimes they may get misunderstood to mean something which they should not. Again Meg is a great person. Meg and I had a wonderful life. We had anything anyone could want in a relationship. At least in my opinion. Meg has said that for the better portion I was a good person. So I accept that. As well I realize I was not the best. We all have things to learn and understand. Again I repeat do not think are assume that anything I say is to reflect are misunderstand Meg as a bad person. I am also not writing this in favor of her are to put her in a good light. Only so no one assumes the wrong I dear. I love her I will always love her. As a friend as someone in a relationship. Any potential possibe ladies that may read this some day and assume that I can’t love you because of this don’t be foolish. It is only a reflection a memory of a love now no longer what it once was. As I love all my x’s in some form. And so with that said..

And also a reminder. These are my thoughts please respect that this is not Megs view. So of course if she writes you will obviously get a different perspective. That is to be as it should be. I actually like that. Then I can see her view.

Now onto why some days I become depressed/sad/distraught/gloomy.

When I call Meg as I said we shared approximately 6 years of our lives together..I don’t have an exact figure. Though that is the best I can give you rounded off. Now 5 of those were spent everyday together. I mean EVERYDAY! Unless I was at work are she was off some where other then with me. We had a very deep emotional accepting of one another relationship. I never have ever been in a relationship..I’m still young and this was my true first experience in getting my feet wet are getting her wet..Oh yes did I say that..I couldn’t resist. So to put it simple.I really need to learn to shorten up what I have to say. But simply put this was a first time for the both of us. But it was a very emotional deep experience. Something I have never had nor experienced. I was pretty much single and are to young to know what Meg and I had prior to being with her. So here we go...

When I call her. I fiirst of all hear her voice. Either realistically are because she is on the voice mail. This of course is a reminder of all I’ve given up. Then I can’t describe it but If I don’t have music are something distracting me pretty much all fucking day then I am in a world of thought. In a world lost. Because Meg is not here. It hurts. It hurts very bad. Nothing is worst then realizing you gave up something so wonderful so you could be "alone" are whatever. But the point is here I sit in a coffee shop. Meg could be here are we could be sharing this time at a Baton Rouge coffee shop in the coming days..That will not happen. I hate knowing what my reaction will be when I see my nieces because I know I won’t be able to properly address the situation. I hate seeing places that I will never share with her because of my complex thinking. Because I’m to iggnornat to shut my mouth and think that speaking your feelings is right. Now I even feel that I should hold my ground and fuck anyone who thinks different about my choice to speak my thoughts. I’m sorry but sometimes we can’t all just go on exisiting in this I need a career, home, stable, etc..Maybe I’ve lost that along the way. I know It is what Is to be expected in long term. Though had I known my thoughts prior to getting into the situation that we were in. I would of backed out..Then again would I ? I don’t want to back out of some of the possible relationships I could potentially get myself into. And I’m so fucked up over my feelings I feel I can’t share them with others. But here I sit writing this. I’m just so afraid of my own mind. That it hurts me to express myself are to think should I ? I’m afraid to think that I know I want to be a relationship but I don’t. I’m afraid that someone will never see me for me. That I am willing to devote my time. My life. My years to you. Who ever in the future that maybe. But at the same time I can’t promise a dam thing about where "our" life will go. So if that can be respected I’d be happy to be in someones life. Just realize you will be strapped in for an emotional wreck if I go into my thoughts on life are relationships are the way I see things. I’m fucking holding back tears sitting hear because I’m in the company of others. But If I was not I would be crying as I was after I called Meg. I sat in the middle of a parking lots just lost. I wanted to be and I tried to be a great boyfriend. Meg had a really fucked up time growing up I am not at liberty to discuss. I’m just saying for the better part I we have had many discussion on her life prior to our relation. My task was to make everything alright. Comfort her when she needed me. I’ve completely fucked that up. I’ve taken away everything we had. She is wrecked for the rest of her life with CIDP which is a really fucked up disease that is not capable of being cured. Though I regret being who I was when I said the things I’ve said and for my expressions. Meg I never knew. I never ever knew. If I had I would of backed out are expressed them prior. Which for me this is my way of saying you want to be with me Respect these feelings because they just want go away and that again I’d possibly dedicate a good part of my life to you. I need my alone time who ever you maybe but though that time is partial. I expect to start a band some day. I don’t know where that may lead either. But for what is worth I know this is a mixed bag of thoughts and that the main subject here was the reason why I get the way I get. Don’t worry I an emotional wreck and when my friends talk to me. My music plays. I become a better person. I’ve always been messed up in the head. Maybe I need treatment I don’t know. This only makes it worst because I realize I was a failure I am a failure But I am willing to be more and I will try and I recognize my flaws and I’m not ashamed of them. I know that they have cause one hell of a painful time for Meg and I never wanted that. I just wanted her to know how I was feeling. How I seen things. I did and now I pay the price. I hope that explains. I of course continue to be happy and though I have my times of sadness. I can only assume 6 years of my life will do that. How is it not  ? When the person you loved is gone ? When the things you wished to share with said person you can only go if Meg was here..If Meg and I could go to that place to eat. If we could vacation here. If I could go with her to Six Flags. If if if. It’s just an emotional fuck up. I recognize it. I dwell on it. I accept it. I fucked up. I’ve always fucked up. I’m not one to say I am always happy. I know I am not. I am one to realize these are emotions they will heal. I’ve cried about my prior relationship. I had my times of wonder about what would and or could of been..Honestly I still do. How fucked up that is ? But It is hard not to..We never had been granted the fucking chance..That was another fuck up that I cause. Many promises left unfucking filled. But that was me..I didn’t know the meaning of promise..It was a word I used. An emotional fucking wreck I caused. Welcome to my reality. I learn from my mistakes I move on. Sometimes I just don’t move on with the person I shared are fucked up with. And for that I am sorry to anyone who I’ve emotionally fucked. The pleasure was never to be grand It never will be. I’m emotionally fucked and I thank anyone who had granted me their time their life and all that we shared. Especially Meg because we really did share. None of that online long distance bullshit. No wreckage of two weeks assumed relationships. No It was love. It was real. It existed. We shared a home. A future and everthing and now I’ve granted myself to an existance without. And I thank her everyday for being the one to pull away because me I would of kept pulling her close and not wanting to let go and all the while she would of suffered.


Though I’ve always been an emotional questioning wreck. I don’t know how to hold my tongue back. I went into the relationship carrying my assumptions of how to fix what I done wrong in my previous relationship. I now see that some of those assumed things that needed to be fixed were. Only because Meg and I always happily carried conversations as we do now..Not sexual any longer. Friendship. I’m just making a point to you all that It is a mutual friendship. No longer the I love you’s of the past.  I previous to Meg was in what I assume was a very unhealthy relationship. It was a lesson in long term/long distance that I will always remember. As well we were both young. I do not wish to discuss. But what I learned was for one conversations is very important in a relationship. That being honest and being able to discuss was a must. Meg and I did this. Though my discussions were very complex and sometimes hard for two people to continue a relationship. Which is why twice I or she volunteered me to break up with her.
5:20 PM



Thursday, April 03, 2008
Thanks Mino Opera Browser for wasting my time AHHH!!
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
http://www.operamini.com/beta/


So a newer version of the best browser known to me on my mobile is being created as I type this. Yes that is right mobile..My life had not enough to worry about now I not only have access to the Internet via my phone. I have access that is convient. Very well adaptable and easy to use..So easy I log in VERY OFTEN! That is why you usually never don’t see my on Myspace. Either I am logged in on my phone because Mini Opera is so wonderful and easy to use. If not then I am at my house are some where else. Where I am messing around online and logged into Myspace.

But honestly using Digg and Fark is just so much easier then my crappy Sprint browser with my Opera Mini..Though it is bad for me because now I have that easy access. It just amazes me where we will be in approx 2 to 3 years when others really start adapting to using their phones as a means for media..
9:33 PM





Thursday, April 03, 2008
All bulletins for the past few days are here.
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
So this is the first step..The next will be better titled. But in an effort to make things better. This will be the start.


I will also be updating my profile page but don’t know when.. So as of now it is blankish...


101 useful websites

http://www. telegraph. co. uk/connected/main. jhtml?xml=/connected/2008/03/30/sv_101websites. xml


Hey I thought this was a great website to show some of the great websites online that can be helpful in your everyday life.

Enjoy


http://www. gamesradar. com/f/the-worlds-best-counterfeit-games/a-20080326123551320015


Independent games for you

If you are not so inclined to visit the link..Lets just say Chrono Trigger remake...Bowser Paper Mario style other great marioesque remakes Halo 2d etc..Yea you want to view this one.

My contract is up..I am a free man single. I am a free man who can get a job. I am a free man. I am free. Ahhhh

That Is right I am a free man...rrr except my lack of financial responsibility I neglected so much It Is worst then when I started the job! The job was to offset that problem but though It only became worst from trying to do vacations I especially now will never regret. Moments where I had no money...so put It on the card mentality would kick In. I have always understood credit could put you In a bind. Though I had to be so foolish to wreck the nicest car I ever owned which was handed to me with no fee. I then total the car. That was my first financial downfall but my bills were min and I paid off the 3k for the great car I now drive. Though It Is not a classic. It also put me In the he Is financially responsible bracket. That meaning I now have credit. I used to keep myself off the map my only existance was online where I have always used to use and at times still use my name as a user name. Though I was using Noloco and I still thank Meg for It Nolon/psycho but It no longer holds meaning. Anyways that Is 3k I do not owe for fullfilling my contract. Now If not for the 16k plus what Is left on my capital and the 400 plus I will possibly be using In virtual money. I need a camera Meg you can have ours. No I only plan to use approx 100 for It even though my desire for a more pro camera Is real haha. So If not for this financial burden and that I do not have a job lined up. I would probably quit right after drp and now when I do get back to driving everyday Is going to suck. Between my confused uncertain path. My emotional screw up over this relationship. No home to go home to. No one to go home to. This lurking realization that I don’t need this job other then to pay off the mess I am In. I just want to quit! Worst they fuk me with their stupid time off policy. Which I understand trk not rolling they don’t get paid! Well hell. But I am well between my wonderful freinds who call me. And my music I am doing well. I wish just wish I could tell what a wreck I will be In without Meg at my moms and oh yea I will tell you. And I hate to think all the people going to bother me over that. Man I should get fit become a porn star. Oh yea haha.


I’d fuck you so good I’d remove your appendix

http://www. sciencedaily. com/releases/2008/03/080328135738. htm

Haha Honestly the reality is they can now or in the USA they can now remove and appendix from a vagina..I’m just saying my subject line was "lovely" I couldn’t resist

I’ve tinkered with the Myspace apps I think this might be better then Facebook..Honestly. Then again I’ve not messed with Facebook much.

I-Read. It is like Shelfaree ? That website but for your Myspace. I don’t know I know I’ll be adding what I’ve read. What I own,etc. And so far I still have not checked all of them out..Not that I will but you know

Something you don’t want to miss

http://laughingsquid. com/flying-spaghetti-monster-statue-outside-of-tennessee-courthouse/


Praise to you lord Flying Spaghetti Monster.

..http://img153.imageshack.us/img153/3489/supportbannerbt6.jpg>

We all need a little local in our life.





dddd

You are my fear, My Desire 4-3-8


When night draws to an end
we say our farewells.


I’m not holding you close.


Your eyes I don’t stare into.


I only hear your voice.


A voice so lovely.


I awake today alone.


I imagine waking up
with you in the morning.


But I am still without.


I wait to hear your voice
tonight and the days ahead.


You are my hopes and thoughts
everything I no longer have.


You are what I fear and what I desire.



Kicking around thoughts. Good morning people.


2008 might possibly the worst year to get a sun burn

http://www. msnbc. msn. com/id/23919508/

You need to be educated folks. Go get you some shades..And well learn about the right shades.

:D


Btw this was found through Digg. com

10:44 PM



Friday, April 04, 2008
There once was the two of us 4-4-8
Current mood:  scared
Category: Writing and Poetry
The sun slowly vanishes
As the days before me
I sit watching the world
as it all pasts me by
Another day lost
There once was
the two of us
Now I sit alone
Tears come easily
They come quickly
Like the sun rising
on another day
I can forget you
as easily as I cry
I fear I never want
to see you again
Though I can’t
live without
thinking of you
You exist in me
You are here
even when I am
alone in slience
Every memory
is like reality
If memories
could be embraced
I don’t think
I’d so easily let go
Once was you and I
Now it is I and darkness
12:27 AM


Friday, April 04, 2008
emotions are like wreckage
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Life
I try to speak
My words trail off
Emotions slip into the open spaces
Emotions of lost time
Days we will never share
This pain that won’t fade
My eyes fill with tears
I try to find where I left off
though the words won’t form
I am trapped In an emotional down fall
I try to maintain my words..my happiness
Though I fall back Into the abyss that once was
before your heart captured me
I never meant to fail.


I never meant to fail you.


I thought I was accomplishing
Instead I was creating more heartbreaks
I wanted to love you
My success was failure
I wish I coul mend my wrongs
I wish I could change
I wanted to make you happy
I failed
There was so much left now gone
I am a wander lost
12:30 AM


Friday, April 04, 2008
Struggle 4-4-8
Current mood:  creative
Category: Writing and Poetry
Struggle to exist without you
Stumbling because you’re gone
My how lonely the days
Every day lonelier it feels
Gone from my grasp
Gasping for air
I no longer breath without
All that was once us
Paths seem to lead to dead ends
My adviser when needed gone
Everything we had empty
Gripping onto emptiness
Knowing I’ve gone wrong
Though I should not linger on
There is life after this
My grip no longer needs you
I can find my way without
Even if I may stumble
Even if I may drown
In tears of memories
that will no longer be us
I am strong if not stronger
But I will always miss
what once was us



I’m just in thought. It is nice in some odd screwed up not a bad thing to be emotionally fucked. It leaves you with writing material you would not otherwise have. Though I think It may get in the way of other thoughts. Then again I’m not certain. I’m sure if I focus away from this I can write otherwise..So if you are tired of these sad depressing meanderings of what was..Well I’ll spice it up. As a matter of fact the next one is not about prior relations. It is a about a image well taken. So much so It had inspired me to write about it. So now I share it with you all. So perk up suck it up and stop sobbing. Life isn’t all emotional scars.
12:47 AM



Friday, April 04, 2008
Emotional Imagery 4-2-8 ? I think.
Current mood:  creative
Category: Writing and Poetry
She is the night
when stars fill
the sky above.
She is beauty
portrayed In
black and white
An expression of
sadness hidden
though well stated
Her lips I imagine
soft like her touch
Her image alive
Emotional imagery
Inside a photograph
12:59 AM


Saturday, April 05, 2008
The silliness of religious beliefs
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
So I went to buy me some boudin balls here in Louisiana.Vidrine Louisiana that is. Well this old lady. Poor old lady..Her face lit up when the total ringed up 6.66 haha..She looks at me..All in black..Looks at the register..Quietly subtracts a cent..Lmao that was funny. Sad though for the poor blinded grandma.
1:46 PM


 Monday, April 07, 2008

Two new writings in the process...
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Writing and Poetry
Two writings. I’m just boredish. I wrote the one below this morning and this one now..I know It needs some work and stuff.

:D

Does she sit alone in madness ?

She holds the knife tightly
Pressing into her skin
She smiles a wicked smile
Blood trickles down her arm
Covering the once pale skin
This exciting fascination
pours from her imagination
She sits alone tonight
In a house sitting on a cliff
overlooking the ocean below
She can hear subtle sounds
of the waves crashing below
Like her insides this night
She can feel the cool breeze
drifting in from the window
Cold like the feeling she has
He no longer cared for her
as she grew old alone in this
home that once held so many
long forgotten memories
Now he sleeps with his whores
In a room without her
and she sleeps alone
with thoughts of his death
lingering and playing in her mind
Does she attempt what she dares not
are does she sit alone in madness


Happy even without

Silently she talks
But he no longer hears
His mind is lost
In a world she isn’t
Death drums play
within his mind
He feels razors
slicing skin
The gun to his face
His world no longer
the once lovely place
Her words were a blade
stabbing into his skin
He awakes breathing,
breathing fast alone
Tears wet his face
as he realizes she is
no longer his love
Though he smiles
knowing he still lives
Happy even without
the one he once loved
5:50 PM



Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Firefox In one word Amazing!
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
I don’t know life without Firefox. I know that life without Firefox is like having a 56k modem are worst..But we won’t go that far back in time. IE I use to use and had so many complaints. I can’t describe how much actually can be done using Firefox with tab browsing life is just simple. The community at large that makes Firefox better because it is open source and since everyone is allowed to say you know what this is what I’m going to make so that Firefox works better for me....Then the extension becomes availble gains attention we all use it. I mean wow. Who could live without Flaskblock, Del.Icio.Us,Download helper,Downthemall,selectsearch,etc. I mean the list goes on and the list is what you the user chooses. I just started using del.ico.us. I knew it was out there. I just never got around to using it. But now I don’t know it is great and I just wanted to take this moment to say Firefox is kick ass. Opera mini for mobile is kick ass and Open Source is the best thing to ever happen to the web!
5:28 PM


 Wednesday, April 09, 2008

New respect for P.O.D. and also view on Linkin Park..This is a music blog
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Music
So one day long ago I just didn’t like P.O.D. I’ve always had a love hate relation if I might say. But lately I’ve been hearing a lot of good songs from them. If it is because of my current break up with Meg and one of those songs are the grooves of when angels and serpent dance..Maybe Addiction ? I don’t know. But the lyrics lately and the music itself has just been in my opinion an improvement. Again I always reflect back to Metallica when judging any band. I know I defend Metallica a lot and I don’t usually have a negative thing to say about them except for some songs but those are not a huge list. It’s just I mention Metallica because I remember when I felt the way I did about many bands. I didn’t find anything to not like and then of course I later did find some bands I either entirely hate and are bands that are ok. While some I really really like. P.O.D. I’ve always well it’s alright..But lately some of what I am hearing is just astounding. I really really like. I can’t say that it is Years of Fire great but worth a listen. So seeing as how the new album is out and honestly this wasn’t about promoting the new album but since we are on the subject..


The new album When Angels and serpents dance.


Now on a note about Linkin Park always love them. Always loved their ability to create great lyrics and I thought I lost them on that mix up album...But again it was just something they are apart of and thats cool. Just not my liking. But their latest album. I mean who can say we just stepped it up ? I mean wow great album. I think there is less of the two singers feeding off each other. Then again I only listen to them on Sirius mostly but I just am entirely enjoying every time a new song off that album comes on. And who can complain about anything they have written previously ? Great stuff.

But while we are on the subject of music. I’ve honestly been meaning to write this blog for awhile and yes this was also apart of my thoughts so I’ll just add that with this.


Korn Korn crap Korn ok ok ok I know you all think  am  following the herd who hates Korn I REJECT THAT! Why don’t we all go listen to Korn-Blind and go listen to that crap we call Korn now. Maybe I’m being harsh and of course as always what you prefer I might not. And hell Korn might be your Years of Fire.."thinking never would they ever be and saying this is the worst thing I’ve ever said Korn Years of fire..Worst use of comparison ever made are something like that ahh will always resent putting this here.."

Anyways Korn I mean sure there are many old songs by them I like and actually today I heard something that sounds like Smashing Pumpkins..But I can see I’ve already started to say TURN IT OFF! But otherwise I mean the singers voice where did the singer who did Blind go ? No I know same guy well WHAT HAPPEN! That voice is about as annoying as Rage Against the Machine..Yes why don’t you all unsubscribe from my blog after hating RAM but hey I’m sorry I never liked them never will. I really really try. But I just can’t I do however like that song about a campfire and a ghost are whatever..

I think I’ve pissed off enough of you and maybe made some of you smile. Enjoy..Glad this is off my chest....Now to get rid of my breast I might need to stop writing blogs and actually go do some physical stuff like cardiovascular..Hehe
6:46 PM


Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Okami for the Wii. I never got to play the Ps2..and
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
Now that it will be coming out for the Wii I will buy it for the Ps2 and may play it later but I am really interested in what it will be like for Wii I know that I’ve been interested in the game I’ve just not played it as of yet.

http://www.nintendowiifanboy.com/2008/04/08/wii-fanboy-interview-ready-at-dawns-didier-malenfant-on-okami/
8:06 PM


 Saturday, April 12, 2008

Little Red Notbook In memory of a love I’ve lost
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Romance and Relationships
I remember the careless days of phone conversations
Your smile was just a image in my mind
Your voice was not whispering close in my ear
I didn't even know you as more then my friend
We flirted and danced with possiblities
You were always worth my time of day
And I recall the many times I'd think of you
sitting there waiting for me little red notebook in hand
It's nice knowing only you and I understand this
You dressed in black underneath the warmth of the Louisiana sun
How I wish for those days so long ago
But we all grow up we all change
What once was is now no longer
And though the memories will always be
Your kisses your touch the way you stared at me
The many times we shared in long conversation
I'd even go for an argument just to hear you
And I wonder where have you gone
Where have we gone
Why did I walk away from you
But I know I don't have the answer
And I know thats why I sit here alone
In thought in memory of all that was us

11:51 AM


Saturday, April 12, 2008
Fans freinds musicians new writing
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Writing and Poetry
Do you dance when the drummers are beating
Can you hear the screams of suffering
when the singer is reaching out to you
Is it felt within you as the bass plays along
When the guitars are colliding on this night
When everyone is dancing a dance of collisions
His helping hand is your helping hand
We all smile as we tumble to the floor
Unpreventable scars and blood stain clothes
But we don't dance in anger we dance in unity
Colliding for fun for the the rush of the song
The musicians united play their instruments
Creative minds creating wonderful sounds
All together we are one fans friends musicians
12:43 PM


Monday, April 14, 2008
Exisiting in a single life..Just felt the need to write.
Current mood:  contemplative
Category: Blogging
There was once a time when being "single" meant that. When I say that I never knew any other means of living. I enjoyed my times with my friends that I had and then I would escape back to my mothers are wherever I chose to live because I was only 18ish. Meg and I started dating around the time I was 19. But though even then I felt single. I mean I knew I was where I was with her and my feelings for her were very strong. But It was strong because we as friends built up what became what was. But though I can shamefully say I see that now and realize that I probably was some how cheating on the relationship I was in are was I ? I don't know because that was probably the most weirdest relationship prior to Meg. I mean it was new to me and It was long distance,etc. I am not going to bore you but the fact remains..I had A LOT to learn. I've learned a lot over six years. I can tell you that for certain.

Being single before knowing what "love" is and then being single after..It's really scary. Because one part of you says I need that part of me back and another says wait but how long and for what ? Because I really don't know where life is leading and I really don't feel comfortable being in a relationship as much as I am willing to take that step. Though I know if I did I wouldn't be doing it for the wrong reasons only that I don't know that path and I am definately treading carefully before I take it.

But yes I just want you all to know if you ever spent or that you are spending your life with someone unless it really is going south. Don't waste it. I'd like to say I am enjoying this new life but worst of all It's probably the worst thing I've ever experienced because where I think It would of been easier to be have been dropped off at home. Instead out here I had no knowledge that our relationship was going to be over. I mean sure I had some understanding of thoughts in my mind about certain things going on at home but I'm not one to intervene as stated before. And I personally didn't see that happening. I thought it could happen but I'd doubt it. And well it happen. But I mean again I blame no one and I'm not saying whatever someone is assuming I mean here.

It's just I have NO WHERE TO GO! I am now just driving for no purpose except for one of my friends in a sense and as well my finances but the reality is I'm so mind f$% If I might say that. I think people who become single and live at home have it easy. Imagine you sit down with your girl and it's over..Well except I know and even regardless to what Meg says that would have not been the situation. Only it is because I am here and since we can't see each other it made for an easy departurre for us. But what I am trying to get at is that I had expected to be home..Now It's like well my assumption that when I hugged her and said good night. When I left her with the last kiss and said I would be home..I'm no longer going to be home and even if I am it's just not home. It's like I died. In theory we both did.


And you know It's probably a lot easier for someone to "fix" the damage when they have access to facilities and a home life. I on the other hand don't and worst I'm so steep in debt from my stupid life style of spending..But I think to myself the past few days that If I can stop drinking soda I can stop spending money and I intend to do that. Hopefully soon one of the credit cards will be paid off and the 300 I put on one for my camera..Which thats cash as I see it because instead of paying a little more on what I'll just dropped it there and pay that off. But then of course still I have the rest to pay off. I do see that It is going down and it will go down. I know when I go home I will be very mindful of what I buy ..Louisiana of course is an exception. I just eat to much there haha. At home hell I doubt I have food there I have nothing. It's like that song I'll be coming home just to be ALONE! I was listening to that today and It was interesting because I remember when I used to like that song so much and Meg would just be thinking he is going to leave me and she would confront me because I would play it often and I'm just like I like the song..But now in some ways it actually has meaning.


Well thats the end of that..I got through this without crying! I am amazed..How much more can I get through without crying. Hmm.

I need to go to sleep soon I have to be up at 3am..Hmm I'm starting to think maybe that won't happen.


MYSPACE REMOVED THE WHAT YOU LISTENING TO FEATURE!!! I mean ahh! Well arr! Amon Amarth
6:51 PM


Monday, April 14, 2008
Myspace the best musical social network ? And a brief mention of Disturbed.
Current mood:  rockin
Category: Music
I'd like to say yes since I honestly only know of Last FM and a few others..But who is more popular ? Myspace. I mean sure we can all argue that Myspace is a "social networking site" Which it is but for some of us it's the place for local music across the globe. Which as I've stated many times before and others agree. Myspace is what Mp3.com should've been and never was. Well I mean sure Mp3.com was once a great place to discover local artists we can't argue that until big business bought it out..Oddly enough Fox bought Myspace but so far so good..I think. I'm certain we are being used as pigs to gain data on how we use the Internet,etc..Regardless I guess I can handle that for my musical needs. I've discovered so many great bands through Myspace. I mean Years of fire ? And with Google by my side heh :D I am especially good at seeking out information on past bands and their members  which then of course leads me to where they are now..On Myspace of course in a NEW BAND! Dam musical stalker I am. Thats how I discovered Anew Revoultion and the band that was once Pete.


Anyways I'd like to go on a seek and destroy mission of finding social networks geared towards music..But so far Myspace just works and I'll just have to sit it out here. But notable mentions Pure Volume Last Fm Pandora..These are not all social networking geared towards music but they're all worth checking out.


I didn't like the last Disturbed album. Actually when I think about it any of the albums prior to the first were not like the first..I'm not saying there wasn't some good music off the others only that the last album I didn't like at all. It was like Bush the science are whatever the last few failures of Bush albums were..Gees that was harsh. Well I won't say that because the last Disturbed album was better..Better then Rage,NIN,Korn I'd agree with that..

But the new Disturbed single I'm happy with. It works. It sounds Disturbed and It's a good song.
10:04 PM



Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Distractions to cover up the pain of being single.
Current mood:  angry
Category: Blogging
I feel like everyone I talk to everything I plan Is just a distraction. I tell myself I will quit writing on this subject but there are so many ways to view It. I Just want to run to Meg and confide In her but we are the problem. And I need to b home where ever what ever that is
1:27 PM



Wednesday, April 16, 2008
So far, Where Is she ? Person to gain my confidence and trust.
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
Is there a word other then single to describe the reality ? And Is It then or than ?

Since I joined Emule I have been learning to properly use puctuation and grammar. I am not perfect. I find a lot of what I do In life since I have grown Is all about testing and Improving. Learning. I believe I have become this way from my past relationship before Meg and then with Meg or maybe I have always been this way but though It became noticeable after my failure In that relationship. Which has since become very Important to me but how unaware I was to the extent you could use It. I am talking about communication which combined with honesty and that you must tell all philosophy became a good bad Idea with Meg but I still need that most Importantly even though this caused the end of our relationship. But prior to Meg communication was not even there. When Meg and I got together I made sure she understood that we must have communication. When I say that I do mean It If something Is wrong discuss It no matter how uncomfortable are where we maybe. That may sound easy but It Isn't I will go more In depth on this and everything I wish to discuss later
8:07 AM



Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Everything I need In a girl like this Is possible haha
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
Non-smoking

Non-religious
Blue hair is cool but prefer brunette but any girl is lovely no matter the hair color..Thats just preference.

A desire to dress In rockerish looking clothes and or gothic even victorian ha I mean dress as you please

Skirts dresses are mandatory

Make up Is not needed you are beautiful as you.

No tan bathing I like my women pale soft and legs shaved. I can care less If you shave something else but you are welcome to.

She has to cook good meals and know I will to. Though I do breakfast best and I do not cook much I am willing to learn.

I don't care what size your breast are. Stop complaining. Haha.

She has to be a rocker and how I define that ? she can't be a goth,metal chic,punk,alternative, or emo etc she must be all A ROCKER! If I play doom,speed,metal,punk,grunge,death whatever she must like It all. Must be open to being more then a rocker. If a rap song Is being played at a stop light she must either respect the talent of those who created even If It is talentless to us. She can be judgemental but willing to annalyze take back and or give a second opinion at a later time. We all say or judge things quickly does not mean we cant think It over. Back to music must be apart of the scene has a love for local music all over the globe and Is willing to promote bands. Enjoys golden oldies like Elvis Presley Fats Domino Buddy Holly etc.. And can just appreciate or give other styles of music. Not looking for a die hard rocker but a person open to all means of creating music. And no I hate any girl who answers this question carelessly...So what type of music you like ? "anything" I HATE THAT ANSWER and usually understand every thing about you from that and that Is a girl I do not like. Will work on this later as Bruce Channel says Hey baby will you be my girl ? Heeey hex hey baby...
8:58 AM




Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Is coming home In May hopefullly not to return otr
Current mood:  aggravated
Category: Blogging
I have a freind I do plan to meet but there are obligations In life I need to meet I need to clear my head and stop eating haha. I mean used to I eat when I come home and even now I do not think I am doing bad I do not care If I am big but always need a little leg room for Six Flags. My only prob at Sf Is not weight usually my shoulders. But seriously tty all later.
12:04 PM


Thursday, April 17, 2008
I watch the sun rise and set. 4-16-8 new writing
Current mood:  creative
Category: Writing and Poetry
Do you see my happiness or does It hide within ? Is it in brought out by the music I listen to or the freinds I have ? When the music stops and the freinds are gone do I fake a smile for the memories I share alone ? Do I cry In memory and loose my hope for a new life or dwell on all those years we shared ? Is It so easy for you to forget to act like It wasn't yesterday that you were laying next to me and sharing my life. Is it easy for me to watch my life through you and him ? While every day I remember saying my last good byes. My hopes and future pasts me by. While I watch the sun set and rise. While I lay here and cry. While I replay my last good by and watch my plan to be home in your embrace become a haunting memory that no longer is. As my plans to come home becomes lost on the many roads I travel and I no longer look to our future but the creativity that will never leave me. This curse this cure my imagination my music. And so I got what I wanted but lost what mattered most.
4:38 AM


Thursday, April 17, 2008
Ben Stein used to think I liked the boring dude of commercial..But bah!
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
Ben you suck. Go read an "INFORMATIVE BOOK!" Learn something other then for DRY RED EYES!
1:27 PM



Thursday, April 17, 2008
This is a break up period four years into the relationship.
Current mood:  ashamed
Category: Blogging
As you see I am the reason we are no longer together. As you see I've created some sort of confusion world which I wouldn't expect anyone to live in.

I never will regret the things I've done in my life. No matter good or bad. I've learned and continue to learn from mistakes and the good things I've done. As I'll continue to do. There are times in life when you can only wish you hope you do the right thing. At this time I can only say I wish I never did this and yet I am glad to have done it. In the most awkward strangest way ever. But I'll never regret I've done it. If it had not been now I am not sure when I would of. My problem is I'm not certain when I came to feel the way I do or even why I would. I guess as much as I would have loved to kept it to myself. I'm not that person. I'm not going to bottle the things I feel up and forget about it. I'm going to let whoever it maybe know how I feel.For that I'm sorry I can't be a liar. I'm sorry I can't shut my mouth and forget my feelings and move on. But it isn't and will never be me. So to the person who has been wondering. Your right. I never jumped on the happy train to let everyone know. I'm not ever really going to. Slowly possibly. But this is a pain not a pleasure and you may come to think otherwise because you're not me. Though maybe you won't. But I just wish to make this clear..Trust me it isn't easy. You may feel bad about my decsions but I feel no better about it either. But I won't make you any more miserable by fueling any fires or venting over the situations we are both in. No matter you may hurt more. You may not be able to understand this. Nor can I. But as I've said It isn't about someone. Anyone or everyone. It's about me. I don't look at this for needs beyond what I've had. I can't say that those needs won't ever be met by someone else..But that is and never will be my motive.You have been apart of my life for 4 years plus. That is where we will continue this story. 4 years from this date. I was living in a different town in a different state. I was younger then. I had come to love someone truely special and someone I've come to and still do love every waking day. No matter that we don't see eye to eye in the love department. I still awake every morning to just catch a glimpse to see her sleeping soundly. Knowning she is ok. But it hurts me to know that I can't be the one to lie there. I can't be the one to comfort her when she has bad dreams. But in the end would it have hurt her more to be with me longer only to find out later on down the line ? Bitterness and hatred I can only feel towards myself but I have loved her and will continue to do so for sometime. But I'm doubting I'll ever get over her. For four years I've been apart of her life as well as she has been apart of mine. Four years we have come to know,love and be together every moment. We still are together just not in the way we once was. I've changed that as I've mentioned. So I've moved from Louisiana to Wisconsin. Just to be with her. Just to feel this cold weather and the nice wonderful snow. Just to have some sense of a reality beyond that painful place I once didn't like to call home. But definately understand to every extent what means to hate and then realize that there was never really nothing to hate as much as you thought..Though that never means I'll ever love that place as I've loved the cold weather here in West Bend and Milwaukee. We moved in together for sometime in three different houses..I won't go all into detail on that note. But I've taken all that I've loved. The girl I've made every serious decison in my life with. The girl I've helped shaped and mold as she has done to me to. I've taken all these things. All the things I've cared for. All the things I've built up to live by and all my hopes and dreams. I've taken them all. All our love. All the things we have come to share and have together. Our future and everything and I've shattered it. I've taken it all away. But for what ? In the end I wish I had a valid answer. But I don't. I just wish to be alone. I just wish to be by myself. There is no logical answer. No logical reason and as much as I'd like to share more information with the world this is all you need to know. So don't bother me with any questions or bs about it. Unless you are Meg. Which is fine with me. Hate me if you like all of you. But yes it is true I've become alone. Though there is still possible chance that Meg is definately apart of my future if she later on feels the same and if not why reason would I have to blame her ?
8:06 PM


Thursday, April 17, 2008
Alone with the city
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Writing and Poetry
The city haunts where once was she
Fragile are my steps as I walk alone
Her hand no longer there to steady me
And the memories of she creep back
As I step into places familiar to us
My breathing is no longer constant
These tears I try to hold back
Who do I say I love you to
When staring at the sun on the beach
Though I stand alone I can only think
I can only feel her pressed close to me
But I am alone like the sun when night comes
Every where I go she is there in memory
And silence is only here in this reality lonliness
It is hard to keep from breaking into tears
The city has become my only stability
My reason for holding on to what remains of me
I am the reason for being alone I am the reason
But the reasons hold no valid logical reason
I cease to understand my wishes to be alone
But here I am alone with the city
Lost Inside the thoughts and creativity that is me
Lost within the pain I bring onto myself
Lost within a city alone with my torment

Well not sure who I was messaging and said that Alone with the city would make a good writing..But now that I look at it..Maybe I'm just not trying enough but regardless It's alright.. I rrr could work on it I think.
8:29 PM


Friday, April 18, 2008
In the life of Nolon over the past few days.
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
Well It's amazing how things fell into place. I was at work I had to deliever here in Wisconsin..And for whatever reason that day I had the notion to return to my originally thoughts. I need to be home. Especially now I am here I really miss home. I mean sure I might say It is awkward and weird being here with Meg as well as without. How could it not be ? But the fact remains I am home. Regardless if ever in life she chooses to change her mind. This is where home is. It isn't Louisiana and It isn't any other place in Wisco. It's here in Milwaukee,Wi In this house. Until my life situatues back to normal status. I think I will just live here. Haha. So yes I was in the truck I decided to call Sysco. I called they said they were hiring. Well evidently I had assumed I would not be getting the job because obviously when would I have time to be here ? Finally I got my chance the load I had to pick up was based out of Illinois and I did not have to drop it off untill well tomorrow..Now I mean heh obviously I could've been there the 17th..But but rrr I knew I could go apply. I went apply. I was also going to apply at another job. But I see it this way if Sysco won't hire me I will stay on the truck for now. And then later look for other opening. I guess as bad as I want to be home I'm not willing to settle with nothing less then the job I want. I'm not saying nor do I know that Sysco is the right move. I'm saying I've always had an urge to be apart of that company and I'm saying that I will do what I must to obtain that. I can't explain and nor do I know why I feel certain ways about things but I know they've never been wrong except for certain things that which has put me in the certain position I am Single. But otherwise everything else has been right. So today I was supposed to leave and I will but Meg is coming back and I figured I'd rather spend time with my friend then to just go running back off to work. But I am going back just a few more hours and I will stop being lazy. Hey you know I mean if policy is such a bitch at Prime then when I can make advantages happen I should not miss them regardless if those advantages don't have postive effects on my current financial situation.




So yes I am doing very good at home well and again besides the emotional chaos that flips on without notice. I've got no reason to complain. Listening to watching Evan's Blue. Great band great acoustic set and great that they took the time to record it that way as well. I mean it's acoustic along with other little touches. Just very cool. I washed dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Just felt like I was actually home.
8:20 AM


Sunday, April 20, 2008
Intelligence 4-19-08 New writing
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Writing and Poetry
I could find myself in bed tomorrrow
Perfect stranger laying next to me
Are I could cherish the beauty
of Intellectual silence
It is easy to find..
The quick and easy
The cheap and sleezy
Though the perfect women
Is poetic in her voice
The way she walks and dresses
Her calmness and ability to think
Logical not careless thoughts
She is beautiful Intelligence
She speaks In words chosen
Not words of hip cool trends
She doesn't drown herself In a bar
Isn't looking for the next disease
given by the perfect stranger at a club
She is lost in a book at a book store
Quietly properly sitting reading
Her eyes speak words of knowing
She isn't looking for the way out
She is looking for the way in
She wears clothes that define her
As a person of knowing and cleverness
She's willing to learn and accept her faults
Discuss what others would care less about
She is intelligently beautiful
Perfection where others only make me sick


A writing In reflection to the couples who were so disgustingly drunk and driving In small town Streetsboro Oh.

What a pathetic sad life It must be to drive pick ups blaring rap music and being completely wasted out your mind!
11:58 PM



Monday, April 21, 2008
The way I see It. A mix bag of thoughts.
Current mood:  adventurous
Category: Blogging
Well I know that I'm not one to make up my mind or know where I am going and at any given moment I'm bound to change my mind. Yes of course one of the many reasons Meg does not wish to associate it me as more then a friend. Which is perfectly find. Who wants the feeling of the one you love leaving you ? I mean honestly. But you know I wish I kept that to myself. Relationships are lies. Lots of them minor but certain. Regardless if you wish to admit it. I never had the heart to leave Meg. Sure we had our moments where we broke up but It never lasted. I tried so hard over 2007 to make everything seems to real and I mean that In all honesty that I loved her and I gave my all when I was able to be home. When I was able to push for vacations or sneak away. I never brought up what was once. And unfortunately she has never tried to confide In her feelings. Though I've been told I never wanted to listen. I disagree but we can argue this all night. I understand her situation and I know that had It not been that I was on this dam forsaken bus ride to loosing all I've had we would be together. But It's fine. It hurts It is supposed to hurt. There is science behind emotions. I expect that. I like that It makes me curious. I enjoy it as much as I hate it. I don't want to be sad. But I know It is to be expected. And to everyone who has a problem with my many thoughts writings etc about Meg. You better get used to it. I'm single and until someone can silence me on my thoughts of her. I am single and It was six years of the best experience you will never understand. Sorry If you've never experienced it but we had and or at least I had. This is not something I can just walk away from. I'll always have a place In my heart for her and I'll always welcome her back In my life at any given moment. I'll always no matter If I would be completely miserable in a relationship with her. Just to know we are together would make me happy. But I know we wouldn't be miserable. And thats enough of that. What has happened happened. I can't expect it to be different I don't wish to disrespect her new found love/life/etc. But so you all know I'm not going to act like I never cared that I never loved her. Because my feelings for her will always be very very strong. She has and will always have something everyone else will never. I've never met/experiences/shared any bond as I did with her.

But here is the way I see it. If Sysco doesn't hire me I might not try for another local job. Unless I find someone worth visiting hanging out with In Milwaukee. So far I'm talking to at least 5 people who actually care to talk to me. Nobody however I am really Interested in being with. Everyone is friends and It's just cool. Though most are from dating sites. Others are not. But these dating sites. I just assume we are friends..I don't know about all that other stuff. I mean and I don't think I'm comfortable to want to know. I talk to only one person on the phone currently who I enjoy hearing from and is a great friend. Besides my music she at least helps make the days less bothersome over this situation.  She is a great friend and I enjoy her conversations. She is not a date,etc. Just a great friend. Everyone is I am working on them becoming great friends. :D I guess we will see. I feel like It's 2000 all over again. Recreating friendships..Only this time I've kicked it up a notch and have joined dating sites to make more then just friends.


So yes If Sysco doesn't work out and If I can't see a reason anyone needs me In Milwaukee on a daily basis the apartment might finally be given up because I shouldn't be wasting all this money. I'm already being careless out here. Which I swear I am trying to be careful but then I go na fuck it. Bad bad attitude. Like I said I can cut the soda I can do It with money. I've been responsible to an extent before I can be that person again. I just see things different stubborn but different then I should. I know that the way I keep spending I'll never get out of debt but doesn't seem to effect me enough to care which disgusts me. Though what can I do or say ? I continue to delay. I am trying haha. I will tomorrow be better..I think. Rrr. Well most of the cc's were put up. I will put the other away now. I just wanted to eat a buffet today and then and then and then..

Life on the road still the same horrible. I miss home. I do I really do. I think In one way I fear a local job because I don't have one freedom..I can't just say send me home..Which can be where I want home to be and unlike local jobs If I wish to plan to go to Band Camp and Metal Fest driving otr makes that possible..Not local jobs. Well I've some how always managed to manage but I mean I doubt that with local Sysco food delievery..Someone has to be there often to do the job..If I'm not there then ? Correct. So that does scare me. I also really really want to meet MusicFreak. She is just cool. Especially in the green hat. Though of course what I want and what I need and where I will be all or very depend and do not play friendly with one another.


Sometimes I wish life was as simple as 7 dollars an hour. And I could make that possible but I'm not! Music has always been a huge part of my life and the problem with jobs Is they Intervene with concert schedules. Why some companies are ever so happy to allow time off for religious holidays..But concerts ? Well they're not that important! Rrrr. In my mind Band Camp is my holiday. Doomsday is my holiday..Meg or no Meg. I can manage. Music will always over rule her when It comes to my feelings. So sure she will be missed but once those guitars start going off the drums and bass...It's all music to my ears. I can't say she won't be thought of as she is every single day. It is hard not to. Anything I do revolves around something we once did.

So I don't know. A major part of me really wishes to be home. Another major part says If I am home then I'm probably going to miss Band Camp this year. Which means GREAT! I loose my love my social life what more am I to loose ?


So I went home..Well wasn't that the most comfortable feeling In the world. I'm undecided If I ever want to spend time with Meg again. I'm certain I will because I know that It would be hard not to regardless of our current situation. It's just so hard she is but a mirage of what she once was now. It's hard to face her. Hard to exist around her knowing we are but no more then friends. It was always easy to see Amber. But then again we never shared what Meg and I shared. I can comfortably hug Amber and know we are friends. I know Meg would never hug me for one she says that means something..So yes that would never be and for two I wouldn't allow it because I couldn't bare doing it anyways. I'm just giving you all the report on this situation because It reminds me of how real this is. I've never been with Meg without feeling her staring at her or without feeling like myself. Now all is lost and Meg just seems to be a different person. I really feel Meg of 03 has been gone and I've just been in love so long I never thought to realize it. I know there is much there that once was but she isn't the same. And Meg I know you read this and I don't mean that's a bad thing I just don't see who I used to know. Maybe It's the same for you. Obviously It is. I never would have ever expected you to say I don't have feelings for you anymore. But I mean I know things happen and that's fine. I just never expected It and hey whatever we move on. No harm no mean to Insult you. Only pointing out what I feel or assume from my perspectives. You are still my friend and I welcome you In my life as a friend any day.

Well It is 4am. I'm to be up at 10am. Though I don't have to be there Until 9pm at 260ish miles...6 hours a little less. So I should be there early. Though I don't plan to pick up a load tomorrow night. Sigh I hate going home because as It is going to moms then back on the road and now back home. My finances and my life is all screwed..But hey I'm going to meet up with one person another I am canceling. Long story. But other then that thats what I wanted to share with the world.

Good night.


My new camera. Well If you've not seen these new pictures It sure isn't trying to hide any imperfections haha. You can literally see my face like you've never seen it before.
1:59 AM


Wednesday, April 23, 2008
A Music girlfriend confusion I wonder If blog
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
It is the most confusing most hardest thing to be me. Were it my way I'd have a girl like me. But since It isn't that easy. I mean to find someone "like" you Is not really so easily obtainble. But worst I'm not just that guy either. Which is where I always go wrong. Because apart me wants to be the other guy. I swear I'm to people. Or I'm just so easy to get along with that It's no trouble for me to be with someone who might be slightly not like me. But then therein lies the problem. They have no understanding of how music consumes me. They just can't and they don't. Meg was such a wonderful and great person and we had so much In common. At least once upon a time. But even now I know we can sit In a room and agree on music..But there comes a point where she doesn't care..And that was always wear things just kind of went awkward. It's like Meg was lets go party and I'm like lets just stay home and listen to music. But we went to concerts again. She loves music. She just never "loved" as I. But I don't fault her. I mean when I think about it I just assumed that and It wasn't/ Though we had a great time all the days months years we shared. I'm starting to see some girls are either jealous uncomfortable or uncertain about me from all the time we shared. Because they never had that. Thats just how I see it. However It might be I don't know. But thats my aassumption. Though I think It's a double edge sword to because I know  one person was like yea I've dated but you seem like a relationship person..But I mean if she calls you you won't go back to her and I had to explain no. So i don't know. I felt to write this because me myself bothers me. I'm so easily ontainble when It comes to falling back into that world that isn't just music. But though apart of me likes that world. Though some days LET ME OUT! I just want to go off and be away at concerts or creating music or doing something that pertains to. I don't kow. I'll work on this or change this up or something.
9:42 AM



Monday, April 28, 2008
Life was more stable and now I watch this boat rock!
Current mood:  determined
Category: Blogging
Where to start ? I guess we could always start where It always starts..Breaking up Isn't easy. I had really started to change my life and now I watch It all come undone. But at the same time I watch changes I expect to make though worry If certain paths not chosen become paths should've been chosen. But worst I feel I really should just drop the whole relationship assumption and move on single..I'd like to have some girlfriend sort of connection..But then again I'm Nolon and of course I don't work that way. So while on one hand I think I could probably do the whole see a girl here and there...But I'm not Into that and sure I'm going meet with different people and see who they are and all that wonderful stuff. But I know that In the end some one some day will be someone I end up being with. But that again Is another complication because I know why Meg left me and why I should not attempt that right now. Or should I ? Again these questions bother me! I feel for the better of me I should stable my life and live single. And then apart of me says move on find a new person to take part in the things you can no longer do things you got used to doing. But I can't find a middle ground. Again easily attached haha. But I watch Wi-Underground fall where Rockers Underground once fail. But I can't let this happen. It makes me sick. I just want to really push these local bands and especially trying to find others who have this same Interest Is not so easy to do. But It's not just that I've been meaning to buy an acoustic guitar but still I've not done so. But I am single now I am single I am free...Or am I  ? I feel I'm left Incomplete that just hurts. I feel that where my trainer said to do so much so this wouldn't occur I failed. But I thought I was doing so much and again I can care less where It all went wrong or that It is. I've moved on to an extent but I mean I feel I've always feared this. I've always feared either I or she. But It happen It's over It still feels Incomplete. It's like someone walked In my life and looked me in the face when I laid down here in the truck and said to me you know  you are now really alone and the disguise assumption that love that seemed to exist in her eyes DEAD! And how do you pick up from this ? Am I to just act exist believe that nothing happen ? That six years of my life never existed ? Am I to "get over" because two months has passed ? I don't know that sounds like some very harsh words. I wish I could've been so cruel In 06 guess some of us have a heart more so at times then others. But seriously between wanting to be in a relationship and wanting music I just don't know where this medium ground is.



But on the brighter side :D Myspace.com/antenoramusic go listen :D

I really feel good I know you just read all that and now you're going to read this and be confused. :D So far I've been able to tell two people my feelings about a lot of things that I feel and that I felt In my past relationship. I felt that they would probably not accept my feelings but Instead they agreed and accepted. The unfortunate part with Meg and I was those things were not discussed and nor did I know them prior to being apart of Megs life had they been discussed maybe things would've been different. Again I've moved on. I speak of because well you try to not speak of what was and no longer is.


My feelings about music however I've  left for In person conversations and I think one of the things I would like to discuss with someone Is just for one I will need my time space to work outside of work with music. And I'm going to try to associate my life around a relationship with the understanding of my needs for music. It will be like having a girlfriend and a girlfriend called music. Haha. But regardless thats all I ask. I need my space and not Myspace :P


But I still feel lost and that maybe I should be alone but that I wish to try to work with everything as I had expected to work with Meg though things went this way and thats fine. I know I can do this. I can be apart of two worlds. I think I hope. I don't know. I never know. I will try. I will devote my time to someone. I did I will I never don't If I am In a relationship. I even feel I will push even harder to express my feelings as assumingly I didn't do a good job prior as I had thought I did but then again like I said I've already discussed a lot of prior Issues In past relationship so maybe just maybe all will be well. If someone can handle that handle me then I'm certain I will do my best and I won't walk out. Never no longer will I ever mention my thoughts as I once did. I will be silent If I think I must be. I've learned. I've learned a hard but very Important lesson. I also feel that It was good I think now Meg can be free of her suffering and I can be free to explain and so that there is no confusing doubts lack of trust etc and all that was bottled away without me knowing...
9:24 PM


Monday, April 28, 2008
Clouded by the unknown April 24th 2008
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Writing and Poetry
We watch the sun loose It's grasp.
The darkness consumes the day.
She lays next to me beneath the darken sky.
Her body a work of beauty. Perfection by nature.
The stars above or like her eyes when she stares at me.
Her hand Is holding mine In this uncertain hope.
Uncomfortable but welcoming. She talks of the future. I listen.
But can't help getting lost. Her voice a serenade of beauty.
My future as black as the sky above. Clouded by the unknown and fear.
I awake to no one. Only the mistakes and hopes. The desires and thoughts.
An urge to move on but a need to hold her one last time...

Interesting I thought I wrote a new writing and put It in bulletins but didn't know. I was amazed to discover this. Lovely!
10:28 PM


Monday, April 28, 2008
Entrapment 5-30-06 hehe I must have been single this day
Category: Blogging
Just read this and then reread this..Interesting. Yes It is a repeat blog but I'm certain you all might have forgotten it.

This entrapment keeps me
Blinding me,confusing me
My choices lost to lust and love
My reality shrouded by choices
Choices I chose
Entrapment it has me
Locked into this chaos
I've created for myself
This world I've shaped and molded
But these choices I've made
I begin to wonder was it to soon
This entrapment holds me
Binding me and twisting me
Shaping me,creating me
Making me who I am
These choices I chose
These rights and wrongs I've created
In the end who was it far ?
Who suffered ?
We make our world
We shape our world
We entrap ourself into things we can't control
But unlike a movie we try to understand
But there is no pause
There is no rewind
There is no way to change
The choices you have made
There is no way to turn away
This entrapment you chose
By the choices you make




If I could change
Many things I've done
Many things I've said
If I could find that one wrong move
Those choices and mistakes
If I could take it all and change it
Would I ?
10:39 PM



 Monday, April 28, 2008

The music dances to a new tune In a new life. New writing 4-29-08
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Writing and Poetry
So In 2003 ? I wrote Music Answers and now this Is the continiuning saga ?

Here is that post

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=11500150&blogID=167859490&Mytoken=34EDC772-D5E1-409B-BD2BCD02CB7BAAC576767813

I hope you all see the difference In my writing Improvements and that I am really working my way out of the abyss that once was my life..I really had no Intention of writing this tonight but I felt like reading my writings on Myspace through that nifty category feature where you click writing poetry and It pulls up a listing of what I've posted..Yep and so next thing you know I needed a revision of Music Answer this time now and not later. :D

Again enjoy.

Music speaks to me
A language unknown to others
Alone In the dark I sit
Silently peaceful
But Inside my headphones
A world unlike the outside world
A world all my own
A world of melodies and screams
Hopes and dreams!
It is meditation
Musical medication
A desire a craving
Temptation you can't resist
Music will always exist
Feel the music consume you
It takes control..tears fall
Thoughts of anger and happiness collide
Where once was the girl I desire
Now just a fading memory
An end to a happy sad song
I'm wiping tears away
As I know we will no longer be together
Your love I've given away
Your voice no longer my temptation
It's the price I pay for the music I love
The thoughts I have and the person I am
I will never again surrender my music
I will find balance acceptance and understanding
Someone new In this world where once was you
I sit here with new beginnings overshadowing our memories
This trance of thoughts and self Indulgence
Music my escape my freedom
My love my life
Something that can't ever be taken
That can't ever doubt me
My commitment strong and willing
My addiction My problem
My reason for being without the one I once wrote about
In a writing about a girl about a father about music
About a future that I've lived and loved
Now the music is playing but you're no longer apart of it
You're just the memories I once had and the reason I can't
just forget you while the new song starts this day without you
11:15 PM


Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I am HAPPY WOOO! Some coarse language sexual thoughts ?
Current mood:  adventurous
Category: Blogging
So I don't know If I am happy about a new bill and mounting credit card debt but hell I got a great wireless headset..Wonders why we adapt to calling things by certain names like Blue Tooth and Cell phone..It's a phone and It's a wireless headset... But but but but I got a CD PLAYER IN THE TRUCK AGAIN! That means yes that means oh yes that means LOUD LOUD LOUD YEARS OF FIRE! I also bought As I Lay Dying and thats fun to sing to! But of course we can't leave out the slow and rocking Seether which is great to sing. I enjoy singing Evan's Blue but mostly especially enjoy his lyrics. You better crawl on your knees next time you say you love me..Cause next time I won't be so kind..Ooo that was harsh! But I mean seriously great songs and great band Evan's Blue and now I have my cd player and my cd's and my Sirius Radio. Maybe I should never leave the truck..I don't know about that though. They keep up with this dam slowing my truck down and the whole world is going Insane because fuel prices are rising rising rising and that's bad for my job! I hate that to. Why we all need electric trucks arr! Where is Tesla when we need him! Oh and I know Meg you may not love that remake of that Sarah song by Evan's but you know what I think :P It Is great. Sorry you lost your friend dear and thank you for talking to me today. You're a great freind and If you quit being my friend I will stalk you :P Haha. Now I have to go be the bitch and wash clothes. So shut up I know. Someone care to hire me one of those maids that are Illegal that I can take Into my life and make my bitch..I'm kidding..Geees! Mmmm music! I need to go wash my body and wash my self. Oh yes I'm also happy because I organized my truck again again again! Arrr I need more containers and I need to write where things are so I don't go loosing things..And oh yes I am going home! I really am. I might be home Wednesday who knows. I don't know. Do you ? I was so desperate I was going to leave tonight. Hell no sleep no care. I'm awake. I got music! But seriously I've been needing neglecting a lot of things and also my job to an extent. Though I really am working on lowering the fuel mileage. Hell I drop gears at crazy ass low rpm's wtf! But still they wish to lower my speed! Arr fuck It I'm driving this dam thing 51 miles an hour! Haha. In other news once I get back on the truck I'm going to start where I some how left off when I went to my moms. Man I was doing so good at keeping track of finacial situations and running and all that grand happy go lucky shit..And then bah! I went off track I went crazy.  I don't know what the future holds for me In the relationship world. I know I have expectations of one person very highly. Another person really nice really really nice. But then I mean we don't have some common ground. But though we do have a lot. I don't know again I don't ever know. Hell I didn't know I would be really single and It all is coming full circle everyday. And In more ways then I realize I come to see It probably has been a good thing as much as It will always be a curse. But I did It to myself. Experiences are funny you learn from them and you move on. Where you could love one you can always love another as strongly. Humans we are a great wonder. A great great unique existance I can't spell shut up! Is It existence ? I don't know and for some reason Firefox won't underline In blogs..So If you ever wonder why I don't correct here.. Uh yes I just needed to get this out. As I Lay Dying An Ocean Between Us go out buy it! Enjoy it. Lick It touch it..Oooo Evan's Blue Quote! Quote you are my soul unquote now does that sound familiar kiss the boy and make him feel this way quote well this is me unquote..Mmm slow music is so great! Heavy music Is like smashing glass In a Piere One Import..Is It only me who wants to do that ? Mah hahahaahahahaha I am going to meet new friends and potentials are something like that. Life is weird. Enjoy It exist In It maybe stay single. Don't get caught up In things like me. :P Na we all need someone to love. Someone to hold when we go to sleep because If we don't we only have books and dvd's and music..Or Is It only me who goes to sleep with all this on the bed ? Well I don't know. I hope I get to live at home soon. I want to cover my walls In cloth black cloth all the walls yep. That will be great. Then I want to find pictures of metal chics and just cover the walls and when I masturbate I will be In metal heaven get it ? Ah haha. And oh here is a lame joke I made today yep I know very lame but It made me smile..And It is What did one gay mechanic say to the other ? Can I give you a break job......Ah haha If you can't see the humour you suck and thats all I have to say. So now I go be the bitch wash the clothes myself and all that stuff. It Is hard I mean I really want to listen to Evan's Blue oh yea and my new headphones..I broke them..Yes what a pity. But they sucked anyways..Lesson learned kids PLEASE DON'T SPEND MONEY ON CHEAP SHIT!
9:39 PM

Thursday, May 01, 2008
Dark Sorrowful Days 4-28-08
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Writing and Poetry
Do they stay or do they loose
Do they walk and never forget
Alone or together
And where does It all go
These narrow paths
These dark sorrowful days
In destiny we place faith
We loose In the end
Our prayers go unanswered
And our gods just lie dead
Somewhere some way we believe
But we don't seek knowledge
We only accept faith as It is
Our tears their falling this night
A funeral for our loved ones
As bodies are falling from afar
As she is being stripped and raped
But no one Is there to help
And so they pray but no one Is hearing
Their pleas go unanswered
Children are starving but still we mate
I ask now can you hear our pleas
Silence Is the only answer
And so I weep alone I weep for an answer
I weep but I don't pray I search I think
But still this black cloud this abyss
holds reign over the Intelligent and the lost
-Nolon 4-28-08


 Friday, May 02, 2008

That was a unique Interesting enjoyable night. River Walk Milwaukee Wi
Category: Blogging
So I was asked where I wanted to go tonight and I didn't know. I mean I did my best to find some place that I could meet a new friend. Well I knew of Moe's Mocha but their hours still have not changed only open until 12am. I thought Starbuck would be lame. She had already ate I didn't but I didn't really care. I did just eat Megs pizza and Meg that was burnt..I did eat It though ug...And thank you for it. So I said we could go to a restraunt and just order drinks..Like you know me having water juice and whatever she wanted. The weather today prior to meeting wasn't looking the best. But It turned out for the best. We went to River Walk something I've always wanted to do here In Milwaukee and It was fun we both had camera's though of course I'm not the professional and she Is In training. Great night and It's very lovely out there. It was a unique experience photography at night with a lovely girl and there was also random drunks at one point because we were near that place Meg and her new bf once took me some drunken stupor I'd rather not associate myself with but the river walk next door was wonderful. And one of the drunks shook my hand said he was riding dirty and asked me If I hit that lol odd little fellow. But really beautiful out there and at first we were not at river walk but It was sort of a river walk haha. I put my trust In someones hands In the middle of no where near a river. But honestly It all worked out and we had a great night. Tomorrow I am going In to her school and she will be taking a picture of me. And that's cool with me. I need to go to sleep. I will be uploading those Images to Flickr sooner or later.
2:09 AM




Monday, May 05, 2008
Dating ? What does It mean ? Some coarse language.
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
This was pulled from Wiki.

Dating is more casual than seeing someone. Seeing someone suggests that there is a relationship either beginning or in progress that is exclusive. You can date several people, but when you declare that you are seeing someone, it's a declaration of a commitment.

Now that you have the basic understanding there Is more. :D I personally never have Invested time In understanding dating..I understood It's meaning could be very diverse. I feel right now It Is an open book. A chapter waiting to be explored and If the book Isn't to Interesting your always welcome to move onto the next. Some might say that's slutty or whatever they wish. But the point remains this way no one Is breathing down your neck pleading and needing you at every given moment. It isn't to say that Isn't appreciated. You don't feel restrained or tied down or that your life has come to an end. There Is no commitment and no confusion as to what being commited means. Now on the other hand. I am dating someone. I'm not In a relationship but I'm also not looking to be with anyone else. So my time spent Is devoting my time to her and If It never becomes more..Thank you lovely trucking driving the curse the blessing and all that fucking shit! But the point remains I like her and I look to see where It goes. She Is open to be herself. I never made or pushed to force any of my x's to ever feel they never had a choice and In this situation the choices are even more so because were not In a relationship. So she can't cheat because well she Isn't mine haha. Her options are open as well as mine. Though I do wish to speak to her more on her definition of dating. I will say this I came home to hang out and enjoy my time with different ladies. I ended up with just one. I'm not that guy I would never be comfortable doing that. But then again If we were to just hang out..I knew that she was Interested In me as well as I knew I was Interested In her. I was only going to get an understanding of her and another girl. While I was going to see someone else but that was strictly friendship. So It meant nothing more..but that changed. It almost changed for the worst..But then she spent that day with me as well. Funny Interesting and wonderful thing Is that my whole time has been spent with her. If that Is to continue I only hope so. But If It doesn't well then life moves on. This Isn't six years In the making and a few days of my life spent wonderful and happily with someone gone when I come back. I can deal with It. I can deal with that and as I told her I thank her.I also thank her because yesterday I was able to look at Meg and feel comfortable to do so. Regardless of how I used to feel. But though I am uncertain If that could be that way everytime. I know that yesterday It was a big fucking weight off my chest. It's hard to explain. But she is lifeless to me now.



 I know Meg and I are friends. I don't wish It be more unless some time In later life we were both single..Again both single. I can't express that enough and If however next month we were..I wouldn't persue that because I feel If It were to ever be between her and me then we would need to seek advisors and as well I feel we would need to spend some years apart before that were to happen. But I'm certain It never will and I don't look forward to It ever happening but the door Is always open If I am single and she express Interests again at a later time In my life..However the door Is closed until later. :P And as It stands right now I am hoping to gain a few years from my new found friend/date. But I can only accept what Is given and slowly watch what will be and enjoy what Is. :D

You're all welcome to understanding dating by seeking Information In many various ways. It seems the best way to understand It Is ask the one you're dating.

Hope this clears up perceptions and misunderstandings. View next post for my week,etc.
8:31 AM



Monday, May 05, 2008
When the unexpected becomes the wonder of amazement
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Life
I finally got to come home for a good little break. May first I ended up here at home. My friend at the time asked If I wanted to hang out that night. Well obviously I had no reason not to. As I've recently stated In a previous blog from that night we had a great night. But If you missed that or need a refresher. Yes we met up on the first. I had no plans to meet up or hang out with anyone that night. I am happy that I had been given the chance. It seems that everyday we have hung out It has been a new experience. Wonderful times well spent I might add. But the first night she got off of work at 11pm about 12am we met up at the river In Milwaukee. If there ever was a unique and Interesting time to spend with someone you didn't know and didn't know what to expect of the night..This was the night..But It all worked out very well. Interestingly different and wonderful. I mean going out and spending time with someone taking pictures at night Is a very new and fun experience. Then the next day I had recently told her I'd come In to help her with her school assignment. Just had to come In and smile wear clothes that wasn't mine..Nothing complicated. I also got to be behind the scenes of photography haha. Well something like..Lets just say there Is A LOT of work to be done In the business and things I personally have and had no clue about. The teacher was a really nice lady and very funny. I enjoyed her random moments of thoughts haha. But that was really fun..I had a problem though my truck was parked where once was a great place to park. But I am no longer allowed to park there..Or might I say Prime Inc Isn't no longer allowed..I just happen to be the employer stuck In the middle. :( Now I've been told It Is my responsibility to park the truck some where..Fine whatever but dam I wish I'd known that before. I thought It was there responsibility. Anyways I have It parked somewhere here In town now. But the point remains that would of been unknowing..But It seems as everything that was going wrong the days prior to making my way home or time before 12am on the 2nd.. Well since then everything has been going well. Very very well. I met up with her that first night and then that time In the day to do that. Then she was delayed because of some annoyance at the school. But It turned out for me a good thing because then she missed work and we went to Chicago together. I offered to pay her since obviously I would've had to take a cab or something I won't even bother dragging that out. But the point Is she went with me. We ate at Joe's and that was a really good meal. We were going to spend time In Chicago but It was already late once we got there and she had to be up to visit with family the next day. So Instead we were going to drive to Allenton we ended up bringing the truck to Milwaukee and I offered her to Instead drive her home sleep with me In the truck seeing as how she had been tired of sleeping alone and I know I've been tired as well and since we were both sleepy tired and Interested In having someone to sleep with we did. Now I nor she had no Intentions of taking It were It went but as I told her I'm single and I have no one to bother me with who I can or can't see. So If something were to happen then so be It. So It did. And that was cool and It was just really nice to have someone to lay next to again. Very nice actually. We woke up ate a breakfast at Perkins. I brought her home I didn't see her anymore that day. :( But I ended up going home leaving the lights on In my car and then finding that out after I took a shower and was ready to head out to eat at Mongolian Grill and then see Harold and Kumar which I fell asleep watching. But so that day was rather chaotic. I ended up buying two sets of jumper cables..One was crappy the other was very good..And so now I have jumper cables..I can't rely on Meg anymore.We are no longer. Then yesterday we met up again..Now yesterday was supposed to be the first day we met haha. It ended up being one of many great days we spent together. Though we went to Pike Lake In Hartford ? Reminder that place closes at 8pm! Arr. But yes we left late,etc. Though It worked out ? I mean we ate I wish we bought less food. So that we spent more time taking Images and hanging out walking. But well rrr I'm so used to buying so much. And now that was a lesson learned. I'll make sure to make It quick next time and hopefully summer will be here..If you're not from Wisconsin..Summer doesn't start here untill late May sometime In June possibly July haha. Then we came back to Milwaukee went to Alterra Coffee on the lake. I've always met to go there. Finally had the chance and It was great. We spent time sitting outside. Very nice out there. Then went back to her place had a great night laying In bed watching a film. Now she Is back In school work tonight and I'm alone again. :( Meg Is supposed to be here later and were going to finally finalized one part of our past. Tomorrow I head back to work where I don't wish to.
9:01 AM


Monday, May 05, 2008
Dead End new writing
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Writing and Poetry
If words could describe beauty
As I see It In her eyes, her touch
When she smiles
The little things she says
When I'm away
Where I am to exist without
My job my life alone
I wonder If this time
I'll meet another dead end
9:52 AM



Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Music. Vocals vocals vocals. Instruments Instruments Instruments
Category: Music
Music a blend of many or one person. Using the aid of Instruments either man made or natural..I guess natural meaning you. Your vocals,tapping,etc.  Sometimes the things around you creates music without the aid or means to do so. I thought to write this because I had a moment of musical thought. What Interests most about music Is like many things. I will mainly focus on poetry or writing In general. But music can be shaped and changed but still resemble a theme or topic. That Is amazing. The ability to create shape and change something but still maintain what It was though  lyrics on the other hand can be Interesting. On paper It may look like words but once It is brought to life through music or spoken word It becomes a world of new material. Brings to life what you might have not of Imagined before. And even more Interesting Is that you may see someone and then their lyrics but will never have any understanding of how those words will be translated from paper to vocals. And once It is brought out to the stage for the world to hear the more Interesting part Is how It can be conveyed. Acoustics death metal rap..However someone sees and Interest In defining the words. I guess this Is more on lyrics then anything but really when It comes to Instruments as well. We could discuss how guitars depending on how they wish to convey meaning through guitar either slow or fast or distorted. The Imagination of everyone doing what they must to create on hell of an experience. This post Is reflected In my thoughts because I am listening to Breaking Benjamin cold acoustic. It just amazes me especially the voice how It can be manipulated to have the same meaning lyrically and sound the same with slight changes and slower melodic feel then It would otherwise. I enjoy thoughts and these thoughts I share with you. I could go more In depth and do some research but here Is my thoughts for you. Enjoy :D
6:39 PM


Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Welcome to the year 2008 where religion still blinds humanity! Ahh
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
So lame http://www.local6.com/news/16169506/detail.html?rss=orlpn&psp=news..Ok I assume this was In America..And so yea whatever I'm not going to even go Into rant mode. Maybe I'll just go Into thought mode and I won't even share my thoughts. Might just be a little to violent..I know think postive. Think Intelligently..but damit!
8:32 PM


Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Thoughts on life I’ve been having.
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Life
So essentially we are the creation of nothingness..Interesting. That Is very very unique. I am proud to know this. It makes me happy that I've been granted everything I am today from the world we exist In and whatever has fallen onto this place. It Is one question I've always pondered. I know when I was younger It always was a question I would think about. I believe I've found the answer. Yes this Is a more simple way to say It but the reality Is It happened and I can't be more then happy to know that and I wish I brought this thought up when I had It so I could actually go whereever I was going to go with It. But yea well I didn't then and I've been meaning to write about it.
8:34 PM


Tuesday, May 06, 2008
New thoughts on religion. Ftreinds of said beliefs may not wish to read..
Current mood:  aggravated
Category: Religion and Philosophy
I was sitting at a coffee shop today alone. Actually why I'm going to play the off topic on topic deal. :D But I was sitting alone. I now understand being alone and being with someone..You just need that balance. I didn't quite understand It until I was finally told you're now alone go be who you want to be. That didn't quite work out. Which I didn't assume It would In 06 either. I mean I did love her and I didn't want to be without her. I knew that I had thoughts that were about various things and I am not going to go there right now but the point remains before we move onto religion. I am technically seeing someone. But knowing that we've pretty much spent everyday together. It was nice having that moment of alone time. Though at the same time It was nice knowing I had someone to hold and say nice things to. That I do enjoy my alone time but that I can't resist a beautiful women. Especially after 6 years..Do you know the magnitude of that Is ? Imagine everyday spent with someone for 6 years. I mean everyday! Technically 5 years..When you think about trucking and It's mass effect of mix bag of thoughts..So alright 5 years I spent hanging out with her. Complimenting waking up to and all that comes with being In a relationship and then there Is nothing ? How was I to exist that way ? You don't think of these things until It happens.. So I mean whatever that Is done with It. But the point I'm making Is I was happy because I was alone..But I knew that I could go back to my other world with someone. Hold someone stare Into their eyes tell them things about how they look and just all that. Very good feeling to know I can be both and not wonder otherwise. Again as I've said before relationships are learning experiences. Sometimes you just learn things that may have hurt someone you cared about but you never meant to. And that's alright. We all heal and we all move on...


I am happy to know all that science has done for the world. I'd agree that religion has done many good things..Deception and lack of Information and all that damaging of religion though Isn't good and that I can't accept. I can't accept that people can't be free. I'd like to live In a world where everyone was just free. But that Isn't the way things are. And though fortunately maybe not anytime soon. But In years to come many many years religion Is dying and will only continue to. It may never entirely die but we will In the end finally be able to all sit down think enjoy our life and be free of the chains that once locked our minds. Locked our freedom away. When we can accept that donating our bodies and that we are made of the world around us and not some divine guy of hatred In the sky. When we are free to express all of our Interests. When we understand that being sexually aroused by a male or a female and no matter If It is male on male..It Is alright. When we can all not be judgemental..I doubt that will ever happen. We all have our thoughts of opinion and we all need to rethink them at times. Which we should. But just sitting there today and realizing that we have a lot of work to do. That while we may never be able to help everyone and that my thoughts may sound like some sort of religious converting tool..I'm not trying to convert anyone..I'm saying pick up a book. I'm saying watch something. Anything you can to get a different view then the one you have If you're religious. I'm saying think. Think and rethink. Wonder why your prayers are never answered and why there Isn't one religion or why God Is never on both sides of a battle field for If he was then wouldn't there be peace ? I mean If he was real wouldn't he give these people some fucking manners so that they might actually think of a better solution then my god is better then your god ? Why would some guy In the sky or whatever the fuck that supposedly Is allow women to be raped ? Guys killed because they choose to fuck another guy ? Why Is It that children are fucking starving people are homeless and god Is never anywhere to be found ? Is he like some fucking corporate dude who can't see past his fucking office table ? Is It so fucking hard for him to get the full picture ? I mean honestly. I hate religion. Why how fucking sick It is that people cheer happily when someone Is dead because of war but now they're hated because they were not apart of the majority world ? Because they chose to date In their gender ? I mean someone give me some fucking answers to why mr almighty Isn't so fucking mighty.Seems to be a shallow cold hearted fucking prick! And don't make sit here all nigth and find more reasons why I shouldn't convert you or why I shouldn't allow you to express your views opinions and thought freely without wondering If It Is a sin or whatever .I don't know..Now I'm pissed off. Arrr! I hate fucking beliefs!
8:39 PM


Sunday, May 11, 2008
Employing advice to employers..
Current mood:  distraught
Category: Blogging
Imagine a world where If you went apply for a job and were denied that they would then give you a reason. Not only would they give you a reason but maybe options to Improve where you're currently not meeting their demands..Wouldn't that be a great option ? I mean Imagine you don't have a High School Diploma or GED. Shouldn't It be fair that If I'm willing to give my service to you as an employee you accept that I'm willing to get my GED ? I understand I had time at some point In my life to do so and that doing so now should not be an option..But If I'm willing to do so and you need an employee..Isn't that a win win ? Hmm ? And If I apply at a job..Now this is a far stretch but seeing as how I'm already on the rant. Wouldn't you want an honest and comfortable employee ? Not someone who does what Is expected because he Is applying..Doesn't the application ask you not to lie ? Then why are we told to go looking like some moron dressed up for a date ? I mean honestly that Is just a lie. Maybe I'm wrong..Sure call It what you wish professionalism Is a lie! Where else can we go with this ? Yes of course Sysco Foods. No complaints I thank them for being kind enough to actually consider sending a rejection letter. That Is all I ask from anyone employer friend gf..Just say fuck off when It Is time to do so..I'm sorry that Is a bad word offensive word right..So as I've written before what we do when that happens we lie..Or substitute..In the end It's all the same..Why I like my blog. I can be open an honest. I do try to censor myself..I'm just annoyed right now! I wish more people thought about thinking..Maybe just maybe more people would have work..If only certain companies decided to actually give hard workers a chance Instead of crying for those who finish high school..And don't even make me break out a rant on why some of us don't finish..We all didn't have the grand mother and fathers,etc. I'm not going to waste my time on that..



All I'm asking Is learn to be more considerate and open minded. If I apply. I wish to work for you. You have a sign that says hiring..Then do so or explain to me what my faults are. Don't be so annoying! I hate jobs. One day I'm going to be something..Isn't that what we all say ? Haha yes I'm going to be the nobody nobody wants. Gf's employers,etc...
9:20 PM




Saturday, May 17, 2008
Her sorrows are my pain. 5-11-08
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Writing and Poetry
She is fragile tears
Bound to descend
I watch happiness
As It again drowns
But I've said my goodbyes
In regret In shame
I am now just a friend
My concerns are lost
Sorry a word with no hope
Fading like my goodbyes
When I walked away
forever to be with another
And now she hurts
but I'm no longer the reason
Just wishing for her the best
But still It seems she Is cursed
I only wonder If I'm the blame


This Is not bout Meg or something like that..It Is about an x before Meg.
6:48 PM


Saturday, May 17, 2008
Tomorrow my old life reminds me of the new life I won’t have. Congrats.
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Life
Tomorrow Meg becomes a worker no longer a college co-ed :P  Yes I remember wondering how this day would be. How I would plan to make everything so wonderful for her. Flowers and lots of them. Jewlery and not just one piece. I wanted to make everyhing ever more so then It would've normally been. This day was something she looked forward to. Something I knew would come because she was a very Intelligent person. Who I've now lost and though I regret what I've lost I am happy with who I've become and who now has entered my life..But were not talking about that. Though I seen this day many times as a new life. As though things would be so different. I never knew It would be this different. But I knew I would not be what the past years have been. I always knew this day would come that this day would be different. I unfortunately won't be there on this day of happiness but since I brought so much pain It Is probably best that I'm not and seeing as how mr arrogance there ...rrr! But you know regardless the point Is I wonder what that life would be. No more I'm studying don't try to make out with me..All the time that she now will have,etc..All just gone wasted and oh well I move on. We move on. Though sadly the other day I had managed to make Meg feel very good as a friend..I did but as It would be when we were dating a bit of miscommunication/understanding happened some where afterwards and as usual I brought her up and then brought her down very very down. This of course was obviously not Intended and I hope that we mend our differences. I hope that all goes well for her tomorrow and that the new bf can grasp how much this has meant to her..Though I doubt he will but then again I don't know I don't care not my life no more. I'm just saying.


Congrats Meg. I really do wish the best for both of you and all that Is to come. I know you've worked very hard for this day and I'm glad that It has come. It has left me a bit heartbroken especially after my stupidity the other day but no matter I just want you to be happy and seeing as how I managed to fuck that up. I know you're doing your best and as you've always have you show how strong willed you are.
7:03 PM


Sunday, May 18, 2008
My life as of late or something like that
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Life
Today Is another day here on the road where I've been for months. I have 6 months to get a local job and my new lady will not be expressing Interest In me If It doesn't happen by then. Fortunately however I have a few job applications I've been going over and I continue to push to get a local job. I know what Is better for me..But I know what will make me happy. My head wasn't clear In the beginning of the break up. It Isn't entirely clear now. I don't feel I'm making a mistake going head first Into a new relationship. I think for what It Is worth nothing no longer matter. If 6 years later I'm alone again It will be alright. I'm numb to that experience now. I can  exist without and know that I will probably be still capable of being me the guy who Is capable of being In a relationship. As well I know that no matter our difference between me and who I am with there Is much that we share In common and as any relationships we will change In one way or another for each other. I personally will do what I must to maintain who I am for her and disregard who I am for anything else I feel would be who I was. I tried I did all I could but I know there was much that wasn't done with Meg and much I didn't allow and questioned..But I can not be that guy..New life equals new changes. Though I also want to maintain balance with my music lifestyle. I may or may not be going down a path that Is right. But I know for whatever reason I am down this path I am enjoying It. I know that I'm going to give someone the chance to experience not being alone. I don't think that can be really appreciated until you have lived on your own as a women..I don't even know what that Is like..But I do know I am one to do what I can to see someone be happy and make their life better and If In the end I screw up..Well at least for most of the ride I did a good job..I feel I did with Meg. I admit with mistakes and speedbumps..But I still did a very good job overall IMO..I don't know her opinion but If I have to assume she would agree In her own view of course.


But I am happy. I will be going home to camp In June with my lady and though I don't know..So much Is going to happen In the coming weeks months. I have filled out applications and my new lady Is very persistant In getting me home..I think she just wants to use me as a sex toy haha..I'm kidding. Really I know she would enjoy having someone to lay next to her. I've granted access to my house once Meg packs away our past. And she will be free to come and go as she wishes. I am going to have her decorate my house..Yes yes f you all! Haha. I'm going to be less dark In this new life but I can change right ? It can't always be black black blue blue dark dark blue lmao! Um I enjoy her company and I enjoy talking to her most nights that we talk. We play tic tac toe.I hate that game! Ha.
10:24 AM


Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Freindship
Current mood:  contemplative
Category: Writing and Poetry
Now alone. I am a shell of memories. Though It seems all but forget. Years days months. Neglection. A void no longer filled. I never knew how vast lonliness could be until alone I became. Acknoledged no longer. Just beaten down by all that reminds. That hurts and scars. What once was not spent alone Is now spent everyday without. All I abandonded gave up and left behind...but I don't care ? I don't need the romance the companionship. I need what has always been most Important freindship and even that can't be maintained. I feel I am but nothing and all my attempts to resolve fail. Just like all that could never be understood explained. That which Is me. But that which has been forgotten about who I really am and not what has been assumed for all neglected by years. I await that day but fear It will never be.
9:51 PM


Thursday, May 22, 2008
Her eyes are a window to my past
Current mood:  artistic
Category: Writing and Poetry
Her eyes hold my love Her eyes hold memories I cant look Into them any longer. When I Gaze Into her eyes I feel the distance and changes In our new life. It Is cold dreary...memories lost to neglect. Never forgoten all the days spent. When I look Into her eyes the scars of reality scar my heart and In this moment love bleeds through and no longer can I question what Is love because now It Is lost to failure I can no longer be
6:58 PM



Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Smile. Revised. May 28th. Written May 27th
Current mood:  mellow
Category: Writing and Poetry
Smile today, tomorrow Is gone.
Smile the directions lead...no where.
Smile life an endless path.
Opportunities vast.
Smile I'm so numb these days.
Smile pretend exist...agree.
No longer knowing what's wrong what's right.
Just accepting smiling In silence alone..
6:54 PM

MusicFreak
Smile for yesterday was here
Sile the directions lead us everywhere
Smile life is an endless path of opportunities
Smile I'm numb no more for the days are clear
Smile not for them but for yourself
Forever knowing the right way but choosing the wrong.

Smile in silence, but never alone.

 

Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Thy Musical Thy lullaby. Musical Lullaby revision.
Current mood:  contemplative
Category: Writing and Poetry
Musical lullaby She Is pale as the moon In a starless night.
Leaving me filled with hope only to drown It In sorrow.
She Is the deception.,the disguise.
My questions lingering but she's still singing.
Her song of doubt and worry. Her song of denial.,silence.
I refuse to push on. Accepting the tune of hopelessness.
Accepting that maybe I was wrong to believe.
She Is a musical lullabye It's time I turn away.
It's time I say goodbye..
6:56 PM


Saturday, May 31, 2008
Continuing silence
Current mood:  awake
Category: Writing and Poetry
Tears wet my face where once was your hand I recall your smile but this silence hurts
7:42 AM


Saturday, June 07, 2008
Jack Thompson Isn’t allowed to play lawyer anymore! Yipee!
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
http://kotaku.com/5013148/jack-thompson-walks-out-on-hearing-court-recommends-enhanced-disbarment

That's right and to think Jack was a man of God..No wonder he was so Incompetent or something..The guy pulls out his bible hahahaha..That's a rather lame argument. Listen Mr. Jack If you can't tell the real world of the world of gaming then you're just a lame exuse for reality. Remember games are created based on the world around us and sometimes not but the point Is GTA Is the world around us like It If you must and hate It If you must..But were gamers no matter If some of us are evil and some of us are good people. We enjoy our games and you can't define what we do as being something harmful..It's not!
9:51 PM


Sunday, June 08, 2008
Random writings enjoy
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Writing and Poetry
Soil of mankind
Swept away In the winds
And the whispers how silent they've become
Dreams no longer vivid just faded sorrow
Our night sky a darken hatred of self pity
Lost between the sheets of lust
But still we stand motionless
As time ticks on around us
Church bells ring In the distance
A reminder of deception that plagues
We are the children of no one
Only the beauty of finely crafted evolution


My eyes close shut If only briefly
The past lurks behind like a looming cloud of darkness
Her lips pressed to mine a reminder of this new life
The beauty of uncertainty lies naked next to me
I close my eyes knowing she will be there
Smiling for all that has become
All that has been offered accepted and trusted
Enjoying every minute of this new life
7:45 AM



Sunday, June 08, 2008
Creation Museum ? Museum ? Or should we say Mind Rape ?
Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Blogging
Hmm someone needs to put a stop to this fancy disguise! First of all this Is what museum means.. a building or place where works of art, scientific specimens, or other objects of permanent value are kept and displayed. I guess technically we could argue that It Is a place of art. But then fine It should be labeled as such..Even though I'd still consider It horrible art the fact Is It's NOT SCIENCE! And to have all these children being mind raped sickens me. How do we allow such stupidity ?

http://www.demonbaby.com/blog/2008/06/exploring-creation-museum-americas-new.html
8:08 AM

 Sunday, June 15, 2008

I break hearts not relationships! Haha my life as of late.
Current mood:  happy
Category: Life
It Is true. I wanted that just to be the title and then I thought you wouldn't understand..So not the my life as of late and haha..Hopefully that explains yes I'm happy. I just like the title. I believe It Is well stated. I break hearts not relationships. Sure sure I've cause Issues In prior but I never technically walk away..I at least keep pushing on but this Isn't a bashing blog It's just a note hey It has almost been two months happy with my new girlfriend and I've no complaints. It's nice to have someone I don't need to explain something to In a variety of different angles and who Is more easily accepting of certain Issues In life Instead of becoming silently angry "or whatever she wished to call it whenever she got the way she got" Anyways so I quit my prior job and I now work for J.B. Hunt..But I'm still not satisfied obviously I'll always want a better/different job. Though worst I just don't want to be away at all! And I will be away but still will be around. So It's a good bad thing. Good news Is after a year I get a year vacation..If financially I can handle that I await that and 20 years Is 4 weeks..Ok maybe I'm thinking to far ahead. But that would be great! I went down to Chicago for orientation. Sure blood pressure still sucks 148/80 but you know I um rrr been needing to fix that Issue and I could've brought It down but the night before I was having such a wonderful lovely day with my lady thast I couldn't resist not stretching my time with her as far as I possibly could before actually leaving so I didn't get there untill 1am had to be up at 5am almost slept right on through..But I didn't. Thankfully I had my car! That second day she came down because she Is so sweet and slept over with me for the next two nights. We had a good time. She never been to the Sears Tower and I sadly forgot It was In Chicago but like anything unique that happens It Is she who presents It. So If you ever want a great view of Chicago head over to the Tower. And eat some Chicago pizza. Not that I'm a pizza person so much unless It Is great pizza. But this pizza was alright. Regardless It was nice spending time with her downtown. I've been cleaning my house day night day night. It's like this chaotic mess a world neglected to love and relationship..But now needs a new look and a clean up. Well I think from Meg moving out the house was horrible and It just needed a very good clean. On top of all my scattered mess of stuff that was all over the house I've turn my room Into one huge mess that needs to be cleaned....But the rest of the house has become a safe haven again! It's like someone actually used a broom to sweep. A mop to mop. A dust rag to dust! And furniture doesn't really exist but things have been moved around. I have this pile of Megs stuff she neglects to leave a note/mention whatever to remind me wtf to do with it. So I'm just going to send It to her moms house. Her moms house I don't mind going over. I can care less where she lives though. At least for now. I'm still not "mad" but you know some people don't take things as I do and regardless I don't wish to speak with her for sometime. I'm thinking In the years to come maybe just maybe possibly she will see ? I don't know. At least I know that with my new lady she Is more easy going laid back and welcoming accepting where on the other hand...But I don't mean to complain..I'm just saying It's nice. But so between being home and at my ladies house I've not had time to do other things. Because at home I'm cleaning at her house well we're hanging out. I made her pancakes and haha she took the pancakes to a different level adding strawberries and chocolate chips,etc It was fun. We were supposed to bbq the other night but for whatever reason we are currently In a nonstop raining perioud here In Wisconsin. However Molly said she can't cook. She lied:P We turned the meal Into baked chicken and bratts and she made a great yummy cake with my new kitchen ware. Wow I actually have a kitchen again. Hey whatever you do If you're In a relationship don't get out because dam It sucks to have all your kitchen supplies missing. Btw Meg please return my old measuring cup lol. I mean you know my mom used to make me oatmeal with that! But It's cool Meg and I I told her she can have everything I just wanted my electronics of course haha. So I ended up with a partial set of knives on a knife block..Wtf thoughtful but silly! At least we had good laughs over It. I mean you try not to laugh when you're left with what looks like a missing portion of knives. And I got a portion of the bowls not a portion of saucers or plates..Still confused about that lol. Should've just taken It all. I'm going to give It back now. I bought new dishes with apples and stuff painted on It. I still need to replace on the blinds In the house but they've been needing to be replaced for a very long time. I was going to move In with my new lady as a roommate but I'm still In that  stage of lost. I mean you live 6 years depending on someone for advice someone who would choose where you lived,etc and you just accept and enjoy whereever It Is. I don't know It's hard for me to make choices where choices used to be made for me and so I just don't know. We've decided next year ? We would discuss but most Importantly we will get a house of our own. Well I don't have furniture except a futon which I use for both couch bed I want a bed but don't want to spend the money currently. I'd like more furniture but my house Is WAY  to small. I hate my house. Reminder If you have a house living room needs 4 walls...Otherwise things can be a bit complicated. Um whatelse to all those thinking I'm neglecting them! No no no I don't have Internet access. My lady trusts me enough to be the first guy she takes home to her parents so that Is where I currently am. I've enjoyed our time here. We met up with some of her friends her parents seem to like me. I just wish they were more understanding of allowing people to sleep together not fuck sleep I mean rrr lol. Well we some how managed to get them to allow us to sleep In the same room just I sleep on the couch and she sleeps on a air up. But you know It's only 2 days at least I was allowed to come over and that they accept me.  :D I've never been this far north. I don't know what else to talk about. I'll be writing aabout new job vs old job soon enough I'm sure. etc. Well good bye
10:40 AM